I will not go down without a fight
I will not sleep tonight
I am not a candle to blow me out
I will kick, scream and shout
I will not lay rest my soul
I will not help drill a six feet hole
This is my promise to you
on this lonely, starless night
I will not go down without a fight
If I whisper a prayer
will it reach you
even when it doesn't spill out of my heart
Will you hear my voice
and understand
my strength is my greatest weakness
Will you answer them
or pose another question
to confirm my hatred
which you instilled
is my fate my boon tonight?
You know, I have always -- well most often than not -- been the person who has gone and got something that I have wanted. I work on greed and want and need. I wanted love, I wanted to be with this one guy. I attempted to get him. In retrospect I realise it could never be about the guy itself. It was when I took the step. It was more about reaching out to see if I could get what I wanted. Quit a job, move to London, see if I can get a new job. Let go of my ego, tell a guy I love him and see if it works. But now I find myself in a weird predicament. I love my job. I have realised money and fame isn't everything for job satisfaction. I also realised I have no want. I don't have a man that I am in love with, half way like or even turn to have a look at. So, what am I aiming for? The air? I have a bow and arrow and shooting in the dark when there are no enemies around me.
Necessity is the mother of all invention. Greed is the reason man evolves. Love is what makes him wake up every morning to take that overcrowded train. Happiness is why he kneels in front of a woman. Here I am standing straight, on the shores of a calm lake, with lots of fish but I am a vegetarian.
I can't even figure out if that analogy works.
Over and out
One year has passed by as whimsical as a fantasy, a spot of fiction that turned into reality.
I was more ponderous in my teenage youth - a derivative of spare time. I am more practical in my late twenties - a fall out of fractured time and a grapple to stay alive.
Alive in those desires that made you push through school and college. The drive to succeed, the subtle comparison against peers, the holding hands through the hardships and heart breaks. What was then thought of as hard now seemingly unnecessary. And this there is growth.
I know I have grown in ways I cannot begin to believe I could. Yet, I still feel I was this strong when I was a teen. Early twenties spoilt me with courage to do the wrong things in life. Not rebellious, wrong. Not irresponsible, plain stupid. I thought I could never get through those life-upsetting situations but I just had to look back to who I was and get her back because she knew how to live. How well to live and to love myself and to dance to bring a smile on my face.
I am left alone with my memories - some bitter some sweet but most of all I am left with the better part of myself and I am never going to settle for anything lesser than I deserve.
