Incestual Conversations

With a shape, the sorrow emerged
with a smile, the incest
bears none to a forward march
past in a hidden chest

With a voice (song), the agony conceived
with a whisper, the temptation
dwindle within thyself
abrasive through eternal salvation

Kings of Oedipus and Queens of Electra
Forgotten not will thy infame
With a glorious yesterday and fallen tomorrow
As I judge myself in thy name

Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.

- Abraham J. Heschel

Party Buddies

I have so much dirty vessels left to be washed and dried.

The party was a great success or at least that is what I think. Everyone seemed to be having fun. Something to do, ask and say and for the others who could not do both a lot of liquor. I fall under the ‘ask and drink’ category. I don’t remember what I asked and definitely what the answer to my amazing question was.

These social events happen quite regularly during the first half of my marriage got on to my nerves. Adam wanted me to endure them as it would be conspicuous that a junior partner with ‘great potential’ has a wife who would not want to be an integral component in his career ladder. ‘The unsung rung’ they call the wives who wait in anticipation every day for her husband to return from the corporate jungle. Suppose to be a joke which I am not willing to understand. For the second half of the marriage, I had hoped of giving up attending all these parties. Being the top partner’s wife with no work on my hands, which otherwise means I have taken a break from my career to support my husband, I am now expected to throw theme parties at my home. And let me tell you I feel like an unhappy cat caught in the rain.

My husband Adam keeps urging me to start an ‘I throw great parties: Hire me’ studio for the general public. ‘Do what I do best and make money in the bargain’, he says. Believe me when I say this, I love him to the death but trust his money-minded marketing mind to come up with ways of strangling the fun out of passion which literally kindles my inherent itch to kill him. I think its every spouse’s secret desire. Every time he begins his rampage on this topic I am transported to the day when I realised how much I loved throwing a party. It was on our common friend’s birthday. It was the time when Adam was just ‘Adamn!’ I want to be his girlfriend and we were a bunch of geeky penultimate year graduation students. Our only friend who had the balls (had the inclination to do something other than just bum around college, basketball courts, malls, movie theatres and fast food joints) to join the National Cadet Corp. Kevin was landing that day which also happened to coincide with his birthday. We all knew this before yet did not bother to do any more than say. “Wow! He is coming in ten days, Wow! He will be here in five days, Wow! He is coming in 2 days”. Panic struck when the dialogue came down to “wow! Isn’t Kevin supposed to come to college in after the last class gets over?” Being the person who uttered those words of wisdom I was made to wear the party starter crown. I reluctantly yet gracefully, obviously after a lot of swearing and muttering incorrigible words in the rest room about how useless my classmates including Adam is, took on the task. I must say that even though there was heavy amount of pressure people did like it and since then have been a part of every organising committee until graduation and post graduation.

I remember and I can exactly pin point why I loved each moment of using my creative juices. It was because I was amidst friends who were a part of the excruciating planning process. They made it fun. I always said and believed that more than the event itself the planning and the background work was more exciting. I never liked lime light and these events gave me the perfect way to be responsible, have fun, use my talent and not necessarily have to participate in the event. Most of all my friends, who made every single mistake, every little miscalculation, every groom who tried running away, every singer who threw a tantrum over petty monetary issues seem like a piece of cake walk, every drunken uncle who had something to say in his niece’s wedding, every caterer who thought it was inappropriate for the bride to be allergic to sea food which happens to be his speciality dish and every cup and saucer that needed cleaning before the next marriage battalion arrives. My party throwing services came highly recommended but I couldn’t have done it without my girl buddies who never once grabbed the attention away from me and never retreated their extended hand of support.

I think I hear the door bell. It is them, my friends. Though it’s just helping me clear my house from the leftovers from the party, get down and dirty, I know my party is just beginning. I sure know how to throw a party . I know exaclty what will. Love, Friendships, French Fries and Vodka…

Bday Bumps

I am exactly ten days short of my second year anniversary- the birth of my Blog!!!

I did not celebrate my first year cause I was not sure whether it would survive. I would survive!

Well, here I am , we are. Living to tell another tale!

Happy Birthday Tsu! :-)

Gifts can be sent cash, kind or virtually ...

Love labour lost

The whole process of sneaking away to meet Asif is exhilarating. Making secret plans to meet in coffee shops far from the city limits is freedom from boundaries laid by my parents. Poetry was a flair that never failed to run its course. Sporty, funky, cheesy, corny, romantic dialogues suddenly became a part of everyday language. Hearts became sweet and Asif became honey. Yes! He agreed with you, it was an outrageous quote by me. However, I had no care in the world. Reshma and Asif, Asif and Reshma. Perfect. I was in love, in love with a man who was in love with me.

Or so I thought.

………………….

Suman: Oh! You are so sweet honey. You really want to go out only with me on that day?

Rahim: I don’t think I want to go out with two three girls on Valentine’s Day. I will be bankrupt being just with one girl.

Suman: *dreamy eyed* how lovely he is. He wants to go out only with one girl and that’s me.

Rahim: *mumbles* One girl is better than no girl!

Suman: I wuvvvv u!!

Rahim: :-)

…………………

Asif pacing around worried. He has no knowledge of the position Reshma is in. He has just lost his job and it has come in the most awkward of all times. They had planned that Asif would claim Reshma’s hand in marriage in the next fortnight. That thought seems like a fading old painting.

Reshma: How can you do this to me Asif? Now!!! Of all the times? You know how frantically my parents are on a watch out for a boy for me.

Asif: Its not like I wanted to be thrown out of the company. A merger happened and they “trimmed the edges”. I am telling you just the way they framed it and broke the news to me.

Reshma: How long is it going to take for you to find another job?

Asif: I am still reeling in shock, Reshma. I will need atleast a couple of months unless I settle for a call center job for immediate cash.

Reshma: Immediate cash??? You want immediate cash? I want you to have an immediate permanent job, Asif…

Asif: I will talk to you later. You are being of no support to me when I need it the most.

Reshma: Look whose talking about support? The one who had a job, the one who loved me and the one who was going to ask for my hand in marriage? I don’t think you are capable at this point to support me Asif and if I am not convinced where will I convince my parents?

………………..

Chime of the wedding bells can be heard from a distance. There were rumors about the bride having a prior affair and it was not with the groom. Despite that rumor and to the amazement of her parents she was getting married. Many say Rahim is one lucky guy to have gained Reshma’s hand. Did you like see her picture in the newspaper in the ad about her marriage? So precious, so beautiful she looks. I always wondered why they place the obituaries with news of happiness.

Short comings

Have you ever been in a relationship where you feel that you are getting a much better deal than the other person is? It is not that you as a person is any less from the "significant other" (in a non-dating sense). You are smart, intelligent, confident with lots of personal friends, a life filled with activities and still you feel that this person, lets call him/her A, is providing you with much more support than you bargained for? Maybe you are claiming more or A is giving more to you. Either ways I have in this one particular circumstance felt that I am receiving more from A than me providing for A.

I am not in any case belittling myself, I am not lowering my self esteem but you do realise and estimate the amount of visible changes another person undergoes when you are with them.Or how much of a change you have undergone being with them, obviously for the better.

The question is How do I give it back? How do I know I am making a difference in the other person's life? Communication, I have come to understand, is much more easier with strangers. I really find it hard to tell certain things on the face!

Short comings!!!

One person various facets

She breezed through the door. Sheila had all reasons to be happy. It was after all her wedding day. Though she did not know the guy she was marrying, the few meetings they had had with hovering eyes all around had made her decide that she would not have a problem marrying him. Harsh seemed to be a nice guy…

… hurriedly Sheila ran across the road. She was meeting Harsh for dinner. Her shoes were soiled due to the rain puddles that have formed everywhere. The places Harsh always chose needed to match his image or the image he wanted to project- in appearance, in location, in ambience and in service and in price range. High class, he said, was bestowed on a lucky few and we being one of the very few lucky people needed to enjoy our privileges. She never understood why. She was brought up in a well-to-do family who went to “nice places” yet they also did stop by a random small shop to dhaba to grab a bite. Nevertheless, she enjoyed going out with Harsh. He was a real gentleman.

Shammi: Let’s go somewhere “nice”.

Sheila: What are you talking about ra? I love eating in these road side dhabas and our favourite hang out The Corner Shop. Their Bhel Puris .. Yummmyy and you want to go to some place “nice” where we need to wear pretty dress, look and act elegant when all of us are such tom boys???

Shammi: This is just practice for when we get rich boyfriends.

Sheila: You mean when you get a really high paid job?

Shammi: Haan haan when that happens!

Sheila gushed when she saw Harsh looking at his watch impatiently waiting for his wife, waving at her when he realized she was walking to wards him and stood up to kiss her cheek. A bouquet of flowers; he knew how to bring a smile on her face.

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She was guzzling down a lot of water. This is not happening she thought to herself. She was resigning to the fate that awaited her, a young death in the coldness of the water. Desperately, Sheila forced to think of her life lived. “That’s what they say don’t they? Your whole life flashes in front of your eyes?” BLANK! All that she can think is how do I survive? Promising a million “to-do-things-if-I-ever-get-out” she felt a hand slide up her arm and pull her. She felt the same hands on her chest, forcing out the water in her lungs, the same hands slapping her face back to reality…

…The same hands now are in hers. Sheila did something that she never imagined ever doing-defying her parents to marry a guy she loved. Mark was an estate owner who during his part time looks over his adventure sports club. “He will get killed one day and he will take you along with him”. Parents, what will they know? He is so adventurous. Life will be one long party and I will get to be the centre of attraction. Isn’t that just great?

Tara: C’mon Sheila. Have some fun with us. You are young and this is the time you can experiment and be adventurous. When else in your boring corporate life are you planning on taking a risk?

Sheila: Calculated risks, of course, very soon but not something that could kill me.

Tara: She will take a risk by not using a condom when she wants to get preggnnaannnttt.. That’s about all risks Sheila will take. Boring you!

Sheila: Ya ya.. say what you want to. I am going to be your chauffer home. Ok?

She smiled weakly. I knew you would come and rescue me, Mark!

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“Catch the train; get to work, be hidden behind all the paper work that needs to be converted into computer friendly document (double the amount of the work!), get yelled at by boss; get yelled at by super boss; finish work half way and then catch the same train back home. Now the train is filled with more smelly people on board, after a hard days work!” Then, I come back home to a screaming child and a lazy husband. Is this what my life has come to? I had so many dreams and wishes of going abroad and meeting new people, having a cute little home with a dog or a cat. Shit what am I doing here? Swaroop looks around with unnerving calmness. He has seen this rage before. Shhhhh.. calm down Sheila. We are leaving this place in a week. Your term here is nearly done. You have your money and me. We will fly away like to birds to a place where there is no one to bother. Just you and me.

Sheila: I cannot believe we are having this conversation the eve of your marriage. Farah how can you sit here and tell me that if you don’t like the life with your husband that you will run away with your current boy friend? It means that you are not only entering a marriage but also not letting go of the old one.

Farah: I know that I cannot run away from this now. But then if the responsibility of me is shifted from my parents to the new guy he will get blamed and I really do not care about him!!!

Sheila; I am truly sorry for you!

I have had enough of thinking of other people and how they will feel and what they would have to say about my each move. I want to live the way I want to and the person I want to be with. And this time it is NOT my husband or child. Good bye sweetheart goodbye…

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Dear Diary,

I got up today with a smile on my face. I walked the dog yesterday in the night, sang a song to it while I was skipping through the imaginary fields in my garden. I have an appointment with the dentist for a wisdom tooth extraction. Horrible. I never thought I can have a phobia to something or someone. Well after quarter of my life’s existence I have found one. I giggled to myself at this thought. How my poodle jumps and squeals at the sight of a spider! And to make him think that he is the man of the house!!! Ha at times I wonder how I manage that. Well its like a silent truth that will not be acknowledged at home. I can live with that. But it does bring a smile on my face.

James, are you done??? It is just an insect. I need to get dressed. My macho man, come out of the bath soon, please!

Also, I need to supervise Mary’s work. The new maid, lazy as you can get. I never, in my silliest imagination, considered running a house to be a Herculean task. I saw my mother working and maintain the house. I am not working and still it takes the life out of me. Well, I do have recreational activities like visiting the parlor, dance practice sessions and then teach aerobics in the evenings. I love my simple, cozy life.

Signing off, Sheila SenGupta

Interviewer: I like your spirit and see that you are willing to work in shifts, which means forgoing your social life. Is that not demotivating?

Sheila: I am so career-oriented woman that I would love to dedicate my whole life to a company and the corporate sector. Domestic life, looking after children, nurturing a family is not in my blood. I am cut out for business life. Excitement, I derive from using my skills and qualifications.

Interviewer: So what are your other interests in life? And where do you see yourself in five years from now?

Sheila: I love dancing and I used to be a trainer in a college near my home. But now I have stopped it. I see myself in your organization in a high rank as I am interested in growing with the company and I have no time for pansies who are not willing to take risks for the growth of the company.

I got up to a scream emanating from the bathroom. “Cockroach”, I thought. I smiled as I woke up.

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Everyone in this planet is trying to live only to be happy and this can sometimes come at a cost. People do pay a price for things they want. But then does the end justify the means? All for one and one for all.

I am all. I am none. Maybe I am just me!

Om Shanti Om

The beginning and the end- circle of life!, very cliched terms, yet the movie was anything but normal. It was a definite blast into the past movie where Shah rukh khan has brought so much entertainment and excitement in what I term as rather boring movies of the 70s.

Dharmendra's dance, Jitentra's jumpy moves, Mithunda's disco dance, the tender loving heroine with batting eyelids (not much seems to have changed Govinda's pumps, Hrithik's flexy bod and Deepika Padukone's sly look sideways) was a complete laugh riot. Again I wonder why Manoj Kumar felt defamed. I call it publicity. Why would they need it when the movie will live up to the hype.

If you have seen the old movies like Karz, KKHH you will more easily get the jokes and love the way Farah Khan has found the connection to imbibe them in this movie. Hats off to her, or should I say psychedelic shirts off to you. (Dada in the 70s??? hmmm :-) How SRK manages to bring out that sweet emotion of love. Starry eyed love, where nothing else in the world exists. Reality is not a reminder, friendship not an obstacle, Love absolutely pure. Brilliant. Cause this does not usually happen in real life yet it is absolutely filmy. Did somebody say Reel life is the reflection of real life? Girls you would wish some guy would look at you that way. Melting. heart melting puppy faced look of love! only SRK i say!!! No other hero could have pulled that off.

And the six packs!!! Can someone pack him up for me puhleez!!! :-) I thought that looked horrid on tv. Wait and watch it on "take repeat" you will be astounded! This movie will prove why he rules, why he de King Khan!!! :) 3 months??? I cant even get up from my office seat!!! :) anyway gettin back to the movie. this was the first time I nearly lost all consciousness of the surroundings. I dropped my helmet twice from my hand and my cell was falling out of my purse but my attention was all on the movie. My jaws dropped and I was completely mesmerrised, starry eyed and whateve jazz!!!

Mein tumhe bore tho nahi kar rahi hoon na???