I seem to always tend to miss my blog and writing my thoughts on it when I have no words to say! Life was once fascinating for what it could present to a young mind. It was the exhilaration of walking into the unknown, getting to the treasure or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and the perpetually endless journey to the end that kept mankind on the invisible path. But it seems like life has a way of weighing down on people, forcing each one to be pessimistic and cynical about hope, hope of finding that pot of gold, however small it might be. One bright friend of mine said that you never draw the line between being optimistic and facing the reality that we might never reach the end of the rainbow. Is it better to be a person who has understood that this mad rush to the end in hope is nothing but an illusion and be a grouch? Or is it better to be a person who is filled with hope that there is the treasure we seek and be stupid to reality?
For a person who has no words to say, I do say a lot! Maybe I should have said that these aren't coherent thoughts at all in the first place!
I am cringing about the fact that I have stolen Akshay Khanna's movie title for my post title but nothing better to describe this feeling within me. I am so happy that my heart's having this really big smile that my face can't even begin to exhibit. My last day at work was 28th Feb and the following day I was a goner. I was sitting at home, jobless and that was something I couldn't handle. But the minute I landed in London and saw the pretty blue lights that lit up the trees sans any leaves, I realized that Spring is right around the corner. It is the beginning of a new dream. London Dreams!
For the brief moment I spoke to one of my good friends, I realized that it is easier to look back – say the last ten years or lesser, say five years – and count at the things you had dreamt about doing and not done. Everyone has their bucket list but I think with increasing age and changing priorities the list is like life – never constant. So why fret about the things you haven’t done and list the things that you actually never thought would have entered “the-things-to-do-in-life-in-ten-years” and point out some that you have. I hope whoever is reading this can name at least 5! :-) Mine are as follows and by the way it is more difficult than you think. Why? Cause you have raised the bar high for yourself by doing great things :) pat yourself for that and cheers to many more…
1. I went to London to study – I never thought I could convince my mom, who was quite adamant that Indian education is much better
2. Paris/Egypt – Went to some of my dream destinations
3. Fell in love, fell out of it, got my heart broken, broke a heart and did one all over again
4. Business Journalism – of all the things the one thing I NEVER dreamed of is to become a part of the financial sector. And I love it!
5. Poetry – I was always in love with words. I tried my hand at prose. Theory is not my cup cake! Then all of a sudden there she was… My muse. And then to make life better, brighter and sun shiny I stumbled upon Emily Dickinson!
Most of us love change in its simplest form. A change in seasons, a change in clothes, and a change of jobs – we except, and sometimes even enjoy. Recently, my friend lost access to her blog, which she had created and come to love. However, it was not her first blog but her second. She was debating as to moving into her old blog or starting one afresh. I haven’t followed up with her regarding her decision, but that debate spun off a thought in my head.
Late last year, I created a new blog for a new beginning, a new direction a new me! I have written stuff that I like, I don’t like, I will miss, tell and never kiss, but it lacks the “real sense of me” -- an idealistic dreamer and a story teller -- who in an impulsive spree opened her own book, opened a book as an ode to her life. It was real, honest and even brutal sometimes. Well, most of the times. But the people I spoke about, tarnished or plain pointed fingers at understood why I wrote them. It was personal but it wasn’t me taking things personally. Every time I feel like writing a heart rendering post I run back to my old one. The new one is a pretty dress. The old one is me, sitting in front of a mirror finishing up a long day’s work, mascara running down my cheek along with tears, after a performance worthy of a standing ovation.
The Rubber Band Method A way to rid yourself of negative thoughts (hopefully by now you have figured out that this is very important!). Place a rubber band around your wrist and snap it against your skin anytime a negative thought finds its way into your head. This classical conditioning technique associates a slight pain with negative thoughts like Pavlov associated food/salivation with the sound of a bell. Sounds a bit cruel at first but it only stings for a second, I promise. Plus the outcome, having only positive thoughts, far outweighs a little slap on the wrist here and there.Mine is near snapping!
It is absolutely saddening to have a third person's view on your own life. You are in strife and sometimes the best thing to do is to remove yourself from that position and ask yourself, "if you were a friend and the friend needs help, how will you help her get out of it?" I have my answer and that answer is leading to the slow and harshly painful death of my dream.
I had made plans, plans for a life of togetherness, oneness, of laughter and joy. I had planned castles and the air was not enough place for them. I had plans to drive through the world in a Maserati but suddenly find myself on a Bajaj scooter. I realize it is also not so much about the dream cause we can build new ones, but it is the people in the dream that are hard to replace. The people die with the dream!
