Incestual Conversations

26 December, 2007

With a shape, the sorrow emerged
with a smile, the incest
bears none to a forward march
past in a hidden chest

With a voice (song), the agony conceived
with a whisper, the temptation
dwindle within thyself
abrasive through eternal salvation

Kings of Oedipus and Queens of Electra
Forgotten not will thy infame
With a glorious yesterday and fallen tomorrow
As I judge myself in thy name

Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.

- Abraham J. Heschel

Party Buddies

09 December, 2007

I have so much dirty vessels left to be washed and dried.

The party was a great success or at least that is what I think. Everyone seemed to be having fun. Something to do, ask and say and for the others who could not do both a lot of liquor. I fall under the ‘ask and drink’ category. I don’t remember what I asked and definitely what the answer to my amazing question was.

These social events happen quite regularly during the first half of my marriage got on to my nerves. Adam wanted me to endure them as it would be conspicuous that a junior partner with ‘great potential’ has a wife who would not want to be an integral component in his career ladder. ‘The unsung rung’ they call the wives who wait in anticipation every day for her husband to return from the corporate jungle. Suppose to be a joke which I am not willing to understand. For the second half of the marriage, I had hoped of giving up attending all these parties. Being the top partner’s wife with no work on my hands, which otherwise means I have taken a break from my career to support my husband, I am now expected to throw theme parties at my home. And let me tell you I feel like an unhappy cat caught in the rain.

My husband Adam keeps urging me to start an ‘I throw great parties: Hire me’ studio for the general public. ‘Do what I do best and make money in the bargain’, he says. Believe me when I say this, I love him to the death but trust his money-minded marketing mind to come up with ways of strangling the fun out of passion which literally kindles my inherent itch to kill him. I think its every spouse’s secret desire. Every time he begins his rampage on this topic I am transported to the day when I realised how much I loved throwing a party. It was on our common friend’s birthday. It was the time when Adam was just ‘Adamn!’ I want to be his girlfriend and we were a bunch of geeky penultimate year graduation students. Our only friend who had the balls (had the inclination to do something other than just bum around college, basketball courts, malls, movie theatres and fast food joints) to join the National Cadet Corp. Kevin was landing that day which also happened to coincide with his birthday. We all knew this before yet did not bother to do any more than say. “Wow! He is coming in ten days, Wow! He will be here in five days, Wow! He is coming in 2 days”. Panic struck when the dialogue came down to “wow! Isn’t Kevin supposed to come to college in after the last class gets over?” Being the person who uttered those words of wisdom I was made to wear the party starter crown. I reluctantly yet gracefully, obviously after a lot of swearing and muttering incorrigible words in the rest room about how useless my classmates including Adam is, took on the task. I must say that even though there was heavy amount of pressure people did like it and since then have been a part of every organising committee until graduation and post graduation.

I remember and I can exactly pin point why I loved each moment of using my creative juices. It was because I was amidst friends who were a part of the excruciating planning process. They made it fun. I always said and believed that more than the event itself the planning and the background work was more exciting. I never liked lime light and these events gave me the perfect way to be responsible, have fun, use my talent and not necessarily have to participate in the event. Most of all my friends, who made every single mistake, every little miscalculation, every groom who tried running away, every singer who threw a tantrum over petty monetary issues seem like a piece of cake walk, every drunken uncle who had something to say in his niece’s wedding, every caterer who thought it was inappropriate for the bride to be allergic to sea food which happens to be his speciality dish and every cup and saucer that needed cleaning before the next marriage battalion arrives. My party throwing services came highly recommended but I couldn’t have done it without my girl buddies who never once grabbed the attention away from me and never retreated their extended hand of support.

I think I hear the door bell. It is them, my friends. Though it’s just helping me clear my house from the leftovers from the party, get down and dirty, I know my party is just beginning. I sure know how to throw a party . I know exaclty what will. Love, Friendships, French Fries and Vodka…

Bday Bumps

03 December, 2007

I am exactly ten days short of my second year anniversary- the birth of my Blog!!!

I did not celebrate my first year cause I was not sure whether it would survive. I would survive!

Well, here I am , we are. Living to tell another tale!

Happy Birthday Tsu! :-)

Gifts can be sent cash, kind or virtually ...

Love labour lost

30 November, 2007

The whole process of sneaking away to meet Asif is exhilarating. Making secret plans to meet in coffee shops far from the city limits is freedom from boundaries laid by my parents. Poetry was a flair that never failed to run its course. Sporty, funky, cheesy, corny, romantic dialogues suddenly became a part of everyday language. Hearts became sweet and Asif became honey. Yes! He agreed with you, it was an outrageous quote by me. However, I had no care in the world. Reshma and Asif, Asif and Reshma. Perfect. I was in love, in love with a man who was in love with me.

Or so I thought.


Suman: Oh! You are so sweet honey. You really want to go out only with me on that day?

Rahim: I don’t think I want to go out with two three girls on Valentine’s Day. I will be bankrupt being just with one girl.

Suman: *dreamy eyed* how lovely he is. He wants to go out only with one girl and that’s me.

Rahim: *mumbles* One girl is better than no girl!

Suman: I wuvvvv u!!

Rahim: :-)


Asif pacing around worried. He has no knowledge of the position Reshma is in. He has just lost his job and it has come in the most awkward of all times. They had planned that Asif would claim Reshma’s hand in marriage in the next fortnight. That thought seems like a fading old painting.

Reshma: How can you do this to me Asif? Now!!! Of all the times? You know how frantically my parents are on a watch out for a boy for me.

Asif: Its not like I wanted to be thrown out of the company. A merger happened and they “trimmed the edges”. I am telling you just the way they framed it and broke the news to me.

Reshma: How long is it going to take for you to find another job?

Asif: I am still reeling in shock, Reshma. I will need atleast a couple of months unless I settle for a call center job for immediate cash.

Reshma: Immediate cash??? You want immediate cash? I want you to have an immediate permanent job, Asif…

Asif: I will talk to you later. You are being of no support to me when I need it the most.

Reshma: Look whose talking about support? The one who had a job, the one who loved me and the one who was going to ask for my hand in marriage? I don’t think you are capable at this point to support me Asif and if I am not convinced where will I convince my parents?


Chime of the wedding bells can be heard from a distance. There were rumors about the bride having a prior affair and it was not with the groom. Despite that rumor and to the amazement of her parents she was getting married. Many say Rahim is one lucky guy to have gained Reshma’s hand. Did you like see her picture in the newspaper in the ad about her marriage? So precious, so beautiful she looks. I always wondered why they place the obituaries with news of happiness.

Short comings

23 November, 2007

Have you ever been in a relationship where you feel that you are getting a much better deal than the other person is? It is not that you as a person is any less from the "significant other" (in a non-dating sense). You are smart, intelligent, confident with lots of personal friends, a life filled with activities and still you feel that this person, lets call him/her A, is providing you with much more support than you bargained for? Maybe you are claiming more or A is giving more to you. Either ways I have in this one particular circumstance felt that I am receiving more from A than me providing for A.

I am not in any case belittling myself, I am not lowering my self esteem but you do realise and estimate the amount of visible changes another person undergoes when you are with them.Or how much of a change you have undergone being with them, obviously for the better.

The question is How do I give it back? How do I know I am making a difference in the other person's life? Communication, I have come to understand, is much more easier with strangers. I really find it hard to tell certain things on the face!

Short comings!!!

One person various facets

21 November, 2007

She breezed through the door. Sheila had all reasons to be happy. It was after all her wedding day. Though she did not know the guy she was marrying, the few meetings they had had with hovering eyes all around had made her decide that she would not have a problem marrying him. Harsh seemed to be a nice guy…

… hurriedly Sheila ran across the road. She was meeting Harsh for dinner. Her shoes were soiled due to the rain puddles that have formed everywhere. The places Harsh always chose needed to match his image or the image he wanted to project- in appearance, in location, in ambience and in service and in price range. High class, he said, was bestowed on a lucky few and we being one of the very few lucky people needed to enjoy our privileges. She never understood why. She was brought up in a well-to-do family who went to “nice places” yet they also did stop by a random small shop to dhaba to grab a bite. Nevertheless, she enjoyed going out with Harsh. He was a real gentleman.

Shammi: Let’s go somewhere “nice”.

Sheila: What are you talking about ra? I love eating in these road side dhabas and our favourite hang out The Corner Shop. Their Bhel Puris .. Yummmyy and you want to go to some place “nice” where we need to wear pretty dress, look and act elegant when all of us are such tom boys???

Shammi: This is just practice for when we get rich boyfriends.

Sheila: You mean when you get a really high paid job?

Shammi: Haan haan when that happens!

Sheila gushed when she saw Harsh looking at his watch impatiently waiting for his wife, waving at her when he realized she was walking to wards him and stood up to kiss her cheek. A bouquet of flowers; he knew how to bring a smile on her face.


She was guzzling down a lot of water. This is not happening she thought to herself. She was resigning to the fate that awaited her, a young death in the coldness of the water. Desperately, Sheila forced to think of her life lived. “That’s what they say don’t they? Your whole life flashes in front of your eyes?” BLANK! All that she can think is how do I survive? Promising a million “to-do-things-if-I-ever-get-out” she felt a hand slide up her arm and pull her. She felt the same hands on her chest, forcing out the water in her lungs, the same hands slapping her face back to reality…

…The same hands now are in hers. Sheila did something that she never imagined ever doing-defying her parents to marry a guy she loved. Mark was an estate owner who during his part time looks over his adventure sports club. “He will get killed one day and he will take you along with him”. Parents, what will they know? He is so adventurous. Life will be one long party and I will get to be the centre of attraction. Isn’t that just great?

Tara: C’mon Sheila. Have some fun with us. You are young and this is the time you can experiment and be adventurous. When else in your boring corporate life are you planning on taking a risk?

Sheila: Calculated risks, of course, very soon but not something that could kill me.

Tara: She will take a risk by not using a condom when she wants to get preggnnaannnttt.. That’s about all risks Sheila will take. Boring you!

Sheila: Ya ya.. say what you want to. I am going to be your chauffer home. Ok?

She smiled weakly. I knew you would come and rescue me, Mark!


“Catch the train; get to work, be hidden behind all the paper work that needs to be converted into computer friendly document (double the amount of the work!), get yelled at by boss; get yelled at by super boss; finish work half way and then catch the same train back home. Now the train is filled with more smelly people on board, after a hard days work!” Then, I come back home to a screaming child and a lazy husband. Is this what my life has come to? I had so many dreams and wishes of going abroad and meeting new people, having a cute little home with a dog or a cat. Shit what am I doing here? Swaroop looks around with unnerving calmness. He has seen this rage before. Shhhhh.. calm down Sheila. We are leaving this place in a week. Your term here is nearly done. You have your money and me. We will fly away like to birds to a place where there is no one to bother. Just you and me.

Sheila: I cannot believe we are having this conversation the eve of your marriage. Farah how can you sit here and tell me that if you don’t like the life with your husband that you will run away with your current boy friend? It means that you are not only entering a marriage but also not letting go of the old one.

Farah: I know that I cannot run away from this now. But then if the responsibility of me is shifted from my parents to the new guy he will get blamed and I really do not care about him!!!

Sheila; I am truly sorry for you!

I have had enough of thinking of other people and how they will feel and what they would have to say about my each move. I want to live the way I want to and the person I want to be with. And this time it is NOT my husband or child. Good bye sweetheart goodbye…


Dear Diary,

I got up today with a smile on my face. I walked the dog yesterday in the night, sang a song to it while I was skipping through the imaginary fields in my garden. I have an appointment with the dentist for a wisdom tooth extraction. Horrible. I never thought I can have a phobia to something or someone. Well after quarter of my life’s existence I have found one. I giggled to myself at this thought. How my poodle jumps and squeals at the sight of a spider! And to make him think that he is the man of the house!!! Ha at times I wonder how I manage that. Well its like a silent truth that will not be acknowledged at home. I can live with that. But it does bring a smile on my face.

James, are you done??? It is just an insect. I need to get dressed. My macho man, come out of the bath soon, please!

Also, I need to supervise Mary’s work. The new maid, lazy as you can get. I never, in my silliest imagination, considered running a house to be a Herculean task. I saw my mother working and maintain the house. I am not working and still it takes the life out of me. Well, I do have recreational activities like visiting the parlor, dance practice sessions and then teach aerobics in the evenings. I love my simple, cozy life.

Signing off, Sheila SenGupta

Interviewer: I like your spirit and see that you are willing to work in shifts, which means forgoing your social life. Is that not demotivating?

Sheila: I am so career-oriented woman that I would love to dedicate my whole life to a company and the corporate sector. Domestic life, looking after children, nurturing a family is not in my blood. I am cut out for business life. Excitement, I derive from using my skills and qualifications.

Interviewer: So what are your other interests in life? And where do you see yourself in five years from now?

Sheila: I love dancing and I used to be a trainer in a college near my home. But now I have stopped it. I see myself in your organization in a high rank as I am interested in growing with the company and I have no time for pansies who are not willing to take risks for the growth of the company.

I got up to a scream emanating from the bathroom. “Cockroach”, I thought. I smiled as I woke up.


Everyone in this planet is trying to live only to be happy and this can sometimes come at a cost. People do pay a price for things they want. But then does the end justify the means? All for one and one for all.

I am all. I am none. Maybe I am just me!

Om Shanti Om

17 November, 2007

The beginning and the end- circle of life!, very cliched terms, yet the movie was anything but normal. It was a definite blast into the past movie where Shah rukh khan has brought so much entertainment and excitement in what I term as rather boring movies of the 70s.

Dharmendra's dance, Jitentra's jumpy moves, Mithunda's disco dance, the tender loving heroine with batting eyelids (not much seems to have changed Govinda's pumps, Hrithik's flexy bod and Deepika Padukone's sly look sideways) was a complete laugh riot. Again I wonder why Manoj Kumar felt defamed. I call it publicity. Why would they need it when the movie will live up to the hype.

If you have seen the old movies like Karz, KKHH you will more easily get the jokes and love the way Farah Khan has found the connection to imbibe them in this movie. Hats off to her, or should I say psychedelic shirts off to you. (Dada in the 70s??? hmmm :-) How SRK manages to bring out that sweet emotion of love. Starry eyed love, where nothing else in the world exists. Reality is not a reminder, friendship not an obstacle, Love absolutely pure. Brilliant. Cause this does not usually happen in real life yet it is absolutely filmy. Did somebody say Reel life is the reflection of real life? Girls you would wish some guy would look at you that way. Melting. heart melting puppy faced look of love! only SRK i say!!! No other hero could have pulled that off.

And the six packs!!! Can someone pack him up for me puhleez!!! :-) I thought that looked horrid on tv. Wait and watch it on "take repeat" you will be astounded! This movie will prove why he rules, why he de King Khan!!! :) 3 months??? I cant even get up from my office seat!!! :) anyway gettin back to the movie. this was the first time I nearly lost all consciousness of the surroundings. I dropped my helmet twice from my hand and my cell was falling out of my purse but my attention was all on the movie. My jaws dropped and I was completely mesmerrised, starry eyed and whateve jazz!!!

Mein tumhe bore tho nahi kar rahi hoon na???


12 November, 2007

What do you do when the excitement is gone?
What do you do when you do the same monotonous job and still make mistakes?
What do you do when you see the wrinkles at the corner of your cheek?
What do you do when there is no way but down?
What do you do when far seems distant?
What do you do when all you feel is nothing?
What do you do when your words dont stir an ounce of emotion?
What do you do when you see in to the eyes of a person you love and all you can see is you?

Rain met Hell

11 November, 2007

this Helmet is Heaven sent! I was stuck in the signal and it was pouring rain. I was happy under the helmet and not an inch of my face or hair got wet. I am ssssssssooooooooo happy! Even if I die not hearing that Lorry honk I will die a happy gurl!!!

Hell Met (Jab we met)

05 November, 2007

I finally had to buy myself a helmet and contrary to what I expected from myself I was pretty excited about wearing one. It had flowery girly prints that subdued the harshness of the black blob on my head which I was happy about. A picture of a skeleton was also given to me as an option. Well I did not want a constant reminder of whats first to go if I met with an accident. A skeleton= whats on the inside is on the outside!!!

Then came the shocker! I wore it and was driving. I could hear a faint rumble of a car engine and a slight horn of the car. I looked at my rear view mirror and no one was there. I turned to my right and there he was full beam headlights (like the horns of Yama's buffalo), the mean bumper front, a coating of dirt informing me that it has had a rough week and in no mood to take shit. I couldnt hear myself yelp. The helmet had completely soundproofed my ear power. It was shocking to find one of your most trusted sense has betrayed you and it was all your fault. Its going to take me sometime to get adjusted to my pretty helmet. I nearly met hell. :)


30 October, 2007

Calmness at the zenith of trauma

Sorrow swirling in an era of satisfaction

When not expected the human strength comes into play

Heart pumping, hardening yet made of clay

Anya stood there with her piercing eyes, a look lost in consciousness. Sober, at her decision to leave, she regains her composure. Stunning, you need to look stunning she told herself. 'Herself' protested in anger and despair. She wanted to be there. Right there where all the excitement happened. She wanted wide open spaces, stretch her arms as wide as possible and feel the subtle summer heat caressing her joy to the pinnacle. Tip-toe to scare the birds in to a flight, laze on the field of grass and newly fallen snow gave her delight. Independence had sweet stench.

Yet the undeniable fact was that she had to go.

Crusades of politics unwarranted for

Bells of assurance at your door step

hypnotic vigilance of shakespearan and herculean

potent streamlining in to the walls of thee fortress.

Ananya had to rush. Her keen eyes searched the room, extinguishing the panic that she had forgotten something. Packing her child, her kid and her husband, her kiddo was a task in itself. Tiring yet content she thought to herself. 'Herself' could not agree more with her. She was right there. All the excitement happened with her being the centre of their world. She saw her child play and laugh with no care in the world, her husband who never could get the pancakes in a round shape ever, but never quit trying. Tip toe to scare him and forcing him in to the swimming pool. Roll over the grass with her son and their puppy dog. Committed to life was sacred.

The undeniable fact was that she did leave.

Every move is not an apocaplyse

Apocaplyse is not always for the worse

Desire and acceptance of reality

Endurance matching is a rarity

Passion Drives

13 October, 2007

I was sitting with my friend. A person whom I have always loved to death as she is my reality check. No qualms about spilling what she thinks I need to know when many have their reservations.

Well thats not the point. One of those days when we are jumping topics like hop skip, jump we get into the conversation of cricket. We have had friends who do not particularly follow the game. Understand? I am quite not sure. But definitely enough to express their opinion. Yet it is not complete. I am passionate about that game. I have gone through emotions in cresents and troughs about this game. I have come back to being an ardent fan. Actually fanatic. If I was in Bombay...

This passion cannot be understood by people who have not been brought up by parents who scream their guts out when Sachin hits a sixer, or moan in agony while we lose another wicket when being 98/4 , or regretting the day we missed the most amazing match against Pakistan 314 to win thinking we would lose, or do the victory dance after a match or curse BBC with all their heart for being on s strike when India won the first world cup! This is all that I have been exposed to and I feel the exact same way. I pray to the Lord when we needed a wicket to win T20. I screamed thanking the high heavens that There WAS a mallu in every corner of the Earth. Yes they are gettin paid well, yes its not fair to the hockey players. Get over it! Cricket was nothing till Kapil Dev came and won, and what a win it was! Drama always Scores! Do something dramatic. And its not a cricketers fault that the BCCI is rich enough to give so much money.

I also agree with the fact that they are humans, victory can get to anyone of us. Why should they be any different? But it doesnt mean that they should be downright criticised that they have no dignity left. Ousting the Tiresome threesome??? Whats with that? How fickle are we to forget that they have won numerous games for us?

I guess people who have never played will never know the crave for victory. Cause they know how losing sucks! Passion drives. Drives me insane during a game which I am not playing. How can anyone understand that without passion?

-- After a certain point, money is meaningless. It ceases to be the goal. The game is what counts.
Aristotle Onassis


12 October, 2007

A simple insight in to the problems that men and women today face. The fading effects of the C2, "coyness and chivalry."

In women, today, we see a kind of independence, acceptance of their inner self, true and natural, fake or superficial. These qualities are vibrant in them = smiles to laughs to an eventual burst of snorts. I am definitely not trying to coach women to be something their not but I guess coyness has also the effect women are looking to get out of men. Coy doesnt anymore mean lowering of eyes or batting eyelids (men might actually think that a dust particle is agitating your eyes!) but by taking off that "Fuck off" board slung around your neck. Independence, money and confidence can be intimidating for a decent chap. (Meaning he otherwise doesnt have a problem of appoaching a problem, women being a problem in this case cause he is hesitant to approach!!!) That basically blows your (a women's) chance of bumping into a really nice guy. Arrogant guys (who have nothing much to lose) walk up to you and you think that he appreciates that your independent and strong woman! Buzzer!! wrong... Be coy. You'd rather wait for a couple of dates to make an impression than making a bad impression on the first one.

Men, where do I start! I dont have to think far. Chivalry. This might sound highly outdated to you but it actually works. If you think in this dog eat dog world, where women are having men for breakfast that money, confidence, high fly job and a bank balance (I already spoke about money did nt I? No harm done. Its worth repeating!) is all thats necessary think again. Women notice the details in the minutest of things. You walk to your car and get in without opening the door for her, entering the door before u let her = Your history pal. Chivalry instills within her a deep respect for you. She covertly understands that you respect her and that in some bizzaro way that she is your first priority and you love keeping her happy. Her needs before yours! Believe me you will get what you are after. Now thats not very hard to pull off is it? (And if there is a puddle she will step on it first!)

My psycho babble is over...

06 October, 2007

I am forcing myself to pen down something in my blog right now. Everytime I check mail I am reminded of the existance of my blog space and it is forever calling out to me.

Friends and family live and die
always its the words that choke and cry
never came in time for an impact
yet impact is made, an unmistaken fact.

I am trying to rhyme
I am trying to fly
without scrabble heist
impossible task do not ask why

I cant man! I had an interview today. They asked me to write two articles: World's most useful invention and the functioning of a bicycle. (Judging my creativity according to them, duuhhhmmmbbb!!! I dont get it. I blabbered something about friction and revisiting my Physics theories!) Damn!!! Dont know how I completed that load of crap. I think they were testing the level of creativity in my crap. :-)


A month is a really long time

28 September, 2007

Tomorrow and it would be a month since I blogged. this isnt a post. Its condolence for the mourning my words are going through after returning from London.

I dont think any one else is feeling this bad!!! Or I am not sure! I remember Pricky's post about Words dry up when she is present... Its a worse feeling when words dry up in her absence.

However Forlorn

29 August, 2007

The follicles that acknowledge
Presence felt in the upraising
Shuddering/Surrendering to the physical truths
Immensely profound
Carnal however born

Water dripping through the wetness
Slithering within the zenith
Cravings of unbearable intensity
Unreachable infinity
Carnal however sown

Visions of the emotion
As a person in being
Twilights of least measure
Copulating silence
Carnal however torn

Freed from senses
Slap scarring the iris
Restricted to melancholy
Learned realities
Carnal however forlorn


26 August, 2007

Dear Diary,

I just feel so grown up!

Mood: Indecisive, Contemplative and Inexpressive

I was pushed to the status of "I am meeting you for the first time and I need to behave well" by a friend who I did not consider this close till now.

If I can think of him this way and the other with disrespect what is my basis?

I want to give him a tight hug before I leave. I need courage. I am so chicken!!!

Mood: Disturbed, Non-Enlightened, Questioning.

He will be my first best!!!

Mood: Glad and Grateful.

I am upset that I got to work for not even a two months.

Signing off
- Bar Associate
J.D.Weatherspoons, the New Moon, Kenton

Shoe story

23 August, 2007

I am a shoe. Not made of leather, not made of straw. But I still have a sole. A soul on which my existence depends upon. I am of no use. I will be just a body without life, reason and purpose. Just like every other person.

People need me but still walk on me.

I protect you, dance with you. You wear till I tear

Size does matter. I come in all shapes and sizes. Colours and combinations. High and mighty, low and down to earth. I take the shape of the person I am with. If you are not mine then the soul doesn’t fit. Yet I mould. Mould fighting. Scratch and cut. Scar for life but I heal.

Sometimes I am stolen away. Momentarily carried to a world unknown- smells, sounds and paths. I am no more for the previous, no more old but new for the present. The place I am put but still remains the same.

As I slip unto the floor, I lie, he walks to the door nearby...

Cheeni Kum

22 August, 2007

I shudder and shake
Capacity to give but life to take
Ignore me and I will be gone
Like a wisp in the sunlight

Remains of whom
Weaving into the nook of loom
Floating dreams tender
Existence never could prove

Jammed gates fly open
Love feels an exchangeable token
Passion for another with ease
Overcome passage a fiery rival

Ignore me and I will be gone
Ignore me and I will remain
Temporarily during insanity
Temporarily during pain

Approving of the hints
On cue exits stage
Remember me rarely
In a insignificant moment
I lose contact
As a passing wave of discomfort
Careless and side tracked
Like a wisp in the sunlight.
I will remain

He, She and the Storm

21 August, 2007

She did not look back as she walked away from him. He had said his goodbye without a drop of tear, a flinch, nothing. This was not a bollywood movie, she thought. If I look back, I am hoping he would at the same time. He will not. If I turn back my hope could get shattered. It is better that I don’t give myself another chance to feel sick in the stomach. He will not turn.

She had met him on one noisy night where her head was fuzzy with excitement. He came like the calm before the storm. She waited for the storm to come. Sunny days enjoyed, murky cloudy days were counted till finish. She waited till she realised that the storm had died down but the eerie calm remained. Memories were piled one on top of another. The calm was forgotten in the very context.

She realised that she was falling into the calmness that resonated within her. It disturbed her as she did not know where the root of the stem lay. She did not want to lose herself to something she did not comprehend. He did not help her understand. If you did not, you did not and it ends then and there. No explanations. She swung back and forth and then disturbance did not bother her. Denial? Seemed like a viable option. But the calmness had no overt cause. The inert cause was not to be seen simmering or an under current. Maybe she was blind. Denial? Seemed like the viable answer.

And then there she was standing with no questions answered, no questions left to answer but one. Will the calm turn around? She shook her head slightly. There was not going to be any outburst whatsoever. Nothing said. Nothing felt. Stupid! She cursed herself, to think like that. He is never going to turn.

He stood there fully facing her back seeing her twitch and shake her head. Waiting for a bollywood movie scene to happen. He stood there waiting as she walked on by…


09 August, 2007

Sunshine on the flower petal
So tender
Bound with beauty of thee
Yet when it comes
A gush of wind
Gracefully falling to the earth
Never to return

Still in its tenderness
It lay there still
Bound by its fragrance
Yet when it comes
A gush of wind
Graces your senses
Never to leave.

Temptation and Hypocrisy

25 July, 2007

My friends and I went for dinner to a friend's place and they had a small gathering at their place. The 'Hare Rama, Hare Krishna' group in London.

I walked in with four boys and I specify boys as that is of consequence. I sat within the gathering. I am a little vary of crowds. Never liked them much. Even when I used to cycle and drive I hated when I saw in front of me a huge bunch of people walking cause you never know when one might stray right in to your path heading for a definite collision. So coming back to the scene, I sat down near my comfort zone. Shashank in front and Lakshman on my side. Then this woman just behind me asked me to move to the corner where there was place. I sat and beckoned L to come nearer. His hesistance led to my eventual insight into the seating arrangement in that room. The men were sitting in the front and the women at the back.

I was completely stumped. I mean I am sitting in LONDON, a cosmopolitan city. Not India. Not in Chennai (I specify Chennai cause I have been to many of these ceremonies and the demarcation I remember from there...) Not in one of those conservative houses. In London!!! and I did not even expect this division here. I was slapped with the distinction. It was not that the men were in the front or the women were made to sit at the back but the fact that they were not allowed to sit together.

I heard the reason for seperation when I was in school and it was because "this is the age that you can easily get distracted". ACCEPTED. What about this age? When the man and woman are actually married? In these gatherings you come to pray to God. So who is bothered whether there is a guy or a girl sitting next to you. They can turn the tables on me and ask then why should I have a problem with sitting next to women away from the men. But then what about it when I am praying to God in my office, lets say with men colleagues around me? Am I getting distracted? Then I am cheating myself. But admist "distractions" if I can think and pray and praise the Lord THEN I have conquered temptation.

When temptation is in a chocolate, keeping it away from sight can ease your process of resisting temptation. But your character is only known when the chocolate is right in front of your eyes and yet you are not tempted. I know it cannot be acheived easily but its worth a shot isnt it?

Mystery of Marriage solved due to ulcers

19 July, 2007

My friend and I have solved the mystery of why people marry. To eat!!! No one likes to eat alone(well there are exceptions and they are the ones who don't marry!!)

A: I am bored to eat alone and don't seem to have time to cook. Lets skip lunch...

lil later: AARRGGHHHH ulcers... I need someone to cook for me.

B: I have no mood to cook and eat alone.

Lil later: I wish there was someone along with me to share and eat.

A and B meet and marry!

What are u doing this evening??
Lets go out for dinner tonight!!!

Life's existential questions and a sip of cold chocolate

17 July, 2007

What are the life's question that cannot be answered by sitting with friends in the middle of the night sipping cold chocolate with mini rolls and fresh fruits??? FaNZ, Tij and Me.

I asked for a smile in reply I got giggles and lots of hugs. Love. Plain Non-Judgemental love. No stupid jokes, none of the topics we had any serious contradictions. Simple reaffirmation of faith and the belief that we are not alone in this world. Not alone, Not alone in being confused. No one has all the answers, some dont even ask these questions, in the end the result is not what is sweet its the journey that makes it all worth while!

At one point we were so sleepy that we forgot what the arguement was; very similar to the emotions I feel for my dissertation. :-) From helping out Tij with his "future of e-tail" To Keep it SIMPLE, to Not killing what is not harming you but still getting it out of the way! (moth tales) and FINALLY watching the sunrise. The beauty of God's endless imagination. Of colours and forms. Of texture and touch. The walk in Northwick park with the cold, wet dew drops tingling in your toes. The casual sound of the cargo train slowly chugging along side our walk and piercing through all that our innocent laughter, with no care in the world just felt like Destiny and God wanted that to be perfect! It was perfect in every imperfection.

I am writing this is bits and pieces. Strings of words cause I cannot explain the exhilaration I feel inside.
The clear conversation through the silence brought in calmness.
Mood: Serene


16 July, 2007

I am having this feeling of deja vu writing this post. Well its just not a feeling but a reality. I am being faced with a similar situation again. I mean this has never happened to me and I am not sure what Life is trying to teach me. I know what it is but I dont understand why I am learning it from people I consider as friends! I mean don't these mean things in life are inflicted by mean people whom you can hate and curse cause they are not your friends. You learn those lessons and move on. But when its friends that inflict that pain then how can you remain a friend to them. Well, that seems like a choice you make. To become bitter from the experience and change or still be the nice person you are forever, but get hurt from time to time. I think I choose the second. Cause the first I leave it to the others and that is much more a harder task for me than the second.

How can your own friends be inconsiderate to you? Even my knees shake cause I have not had food for the whole of 7hours were I need to rush around serving some drunken fools and the whole deal. I need to come back and eat with my friend who waits for me til 3 without eating! My Boss asks me why is he waiting if he is not your boyfriend? And I answer cause he is my FRIEND. well, thats what friends do dont they? Or Do I just have a bunch of them that just dont? I dont like that I am thinking this way...

I have been going to the church for the past two months and I have sat through more than Five sermons. And the only thing that I remember is this:

The pastor and his wife had decided that they wont give each other presents on Christmas as they would use that money to go on the skiing trip that they have been saving up for. They were on the trip in the Alps enjoying the Christmas eve when the pastor's wife comes up to him and gives him a gift. The flabbergasted pastor, who had not bought his wife anything not even a card, then realised that there are sometimes you need to show in Action that you love a person and care for them rather than use words that in the end lose their meaning, and most importantly worth, for you actions are not coinciding with your words.

I dunno the scriptures. I dont know whats written in the Bible. But what I know is God is Just. I keep questioning myself at every thought I have... Am I right to think this way about my friends? Am I at any point not being considerate to anyone I know? Maybe I just dont realise it like they dont.
I am not sure whether this is God's word. But his actions I interpret... Jesus came to earth and loved all.. the sick, the rotten. If we need to do everything in God's name...Do we?

Assistant Bartender

15 July, 2007

Seems like ages ago that I wrote anything on my blog. The only thing that is "happening " in my life is my job at the Bar! I love the job. Getting down and dirty!!!

Its not as glamorous as every one thinks it is. There is a continuous nauseating sweet odor of beer. People pound on you when there are many people waiting to be served. It is afterall their time to chillax and unwind. You will be constantly subjected to corny one liners and you cant even blame it on the drinks!!! YET! Some of them are "Can I have a Carling, Darling" and Can I have the beer in that fancy glass you ve got behind the bar?" or "I am Indian, serve me first!!!" the worst one that I have heard is "Will you marry me I have got a huge house and a garden that needs a woman's touch!!!" Sheesh and these lines are come from old guys and I tot the Pick up lines those days would have been more refined and romantic!!!

Now the worst part of this job that I never in my life thought about is the 'Stocking up the fridge' during closing time. The carrying the bottles from the stock room is killing. Well, I have not done any heavy weight lifting in my life before. Not that I did any work ever!!!

The other menial jobs include sweeping, mopping behind the bar, clearing plates n the glasses from the tables, cleaning the tables, the plates and the glasses need to go in to the dish washer. they are then separated in to the same glass sets. Fosters and carling go together. Guiness n Magners are on one draw.

Pretty mindless work and yet I am so clear headed when I stand behind the bar. There needs so much concentration that no one is aware of! The number of orders with or without ice, whether they wanted rd bull or diet pepsi, and dont even get me started on the sad sad pronunciation these, sorry to say, Indians have for the various English Brands. Family Grousse I heard and I am not kiddin as Fimly Primus! and I was like What the fuck??? or Fustus for fosters!

The fun part of this job is when You start recognising people who come regularly and you remember their orders. they are more than happy and you feel great!
Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.

(Cheers theme song)

Not yet got to learning to mix cocktails cuz these guys who come to drink are regulars and regulars dont take cocktails if they havent brought their girlfriends on a date! Still red or white wine!

It really helps that you have a great boss. I am really privileged to get a really nice guy whose name is Shri and he is a Srilankan Tamilian! He loves talking in tamil and is very proud of it. He wants me to sing a tamil song!!! And that too a fast one! ha ha.. We sometimes converse in tamil and yell at the customers. No one understands. I think that connection can come only in a country which is not India or in the North!!! wink wink ;-)After all long day's work when you sit on the table you once served, chilling with a glass of wine, that yummy small biscotti and yapping about the day or the funny thing that happened in the bar that day completes that content feeling. Sigh!!! I love my job but I cant do this forever! Probably work in JD Wetherspoon. Who knows ;-)

Bar bar dekho!

03 July, 2007

My first day on the job:

Wear black and black. Gives me a shirt two sizes bigger. I am floating in it. Could not smile. I have never concentrated so much in my life. Pete kept on explaining things to me. I nodded and gulped all the information I could. I could not remember what he said about the toilets but he did tell me to come and check once an hour whether there is sufficient toilet paper and that no one is dead. I really dont remember what he said about the toilets! Got yelled at for not pouring the drinks properly. Give it a head, mix it while you are serving! uff...

I am an annoying customer for someone as well.

My second day in the Bar:

I know where all the drinks are. Still cant recognize the nick names given to them. Only one I know is JD- Jack Daniels. tennessey, sourz apple, family grousse. I mean give it better names man! Koppaberg.
Elvis hitting on me. Boy he is!!! What will you do if the Tamil tigers wanted to have sex with you.. I mean like dude... Get a life!!! uurrgghh!!!

Killi I am doing this for you babe!!! :) Its not that glamorous as it looks on tv cause I still do not know the cocktails and cant swirl the bottles around. But I will get there and Will teach ya!! :)

02 July, 2007

A queasy feeling in my tummy. I have felt this before but I am just not being able to place it in the situation where it has occured the previous time.

He has an uncanny timing to find out when I am feeling low or feeling like giving up, giving up on what I am not sure yet!

Re-visited the crushes I had when I was young. Think I still am. He wont open his mouth nor will I. Tried coaxing myself. and I completely understood what Fanz was telling us yesterday. You want to tell at that opportune moment. You wait and wait with baited breathe and a flower in your hand but either the moment doesnt come or its just not meant to happen! Naaa I cant hide behind that veil. I am chicken. =)

I fall in love with a person's smile.

I love church, Hillsong.


Tsu's failure. Placed the feeling to where is belongs.

An affair with Paris

29 June, 2007

Romance in a nut shell
cracking illuminations galore,
a glory at night

the soft nibbles by the wind
necking moans of intimacy
subtle whims by the Seine
Pont Neuf glancing over my shoulder

Rose tainted glass of Notre damn
beckoning, teasing and tempting
cornering your heart with ease
a gargoylish fervor to match

each stroke on my slate clean
paints a different color
a cheek has never seen this red
vanilla skirting on the hips
sacred heart soaked in sinful indulgence

Windmill swaying the will
leather n chemise
a musical high note
unsung yet resonates in thyself

Standing erect in his towering presence
metallish devil look conquering wonder
proving his mettle
climbing stairs to heaven above
challenging those who dare n fear

lips parted in motion of spelling
sparkling in the twilight
Grey clouds and deep blue sky
Huddling together for warmth
sighing a calmness
making love to cupid

It always happens to me

21 June, 2007

There are these things that always happen to you. No matter where you are and in which state of mind you are in. Like, when you want to stand in a queue which you think is shortest, the longest line will move faster than yours. Or just when you reach the counter in a cinema theatre they place the house full board. All these incidents seem to be related to the wait one has to go through to get to what they want and when they actually do, come near IT happens.

The only incident I remember as I write this post is my passport application. Of all the million applications the passport office send to the Police Commissioner’s office only mine got lost and got to sent to a God forbidden place far from the Bangalore city stations. The people who had applied after me got theirs done before me.

Well, like MT says, “Life’s like that”.

It was a sudden impulsive decision to go for Sivaji. The movie theatre in Wood Green, which was 45min by tube from the place I live. We had half hour to get ready and we had booked the tickets online (mercifully!!!). Two tube changes. We could easily make it if it was for… the “it happens only to me effect!”

  • We just missed one train by a matter of seconds. (In India, it would be that all the autos, which otherwise would have been lining up, have vanished into thin air or full with passengers.)
  • The tube which we got was only till Baker Street. (Needed to go till King’s Cross, which means waste of five min waiting for the next train or take the Bakerloo line) We decided to wait for the next Metropolitan train. Tick Tock. Tick Tock! Late and delays in the lines.
  • Change to Picadilly line. Delay again. It had to happen to our line. We saw a train going the opposite way, on the parallel line, stop after us and take off before us. Sigh!
  • The show was to start at 19.45 and we reached there 19.50
  • We end up in the wrong entrance.
  • When we reached there was a long queue.

Only one line and it was moving at a fast pace and I was happy that we might probably miss only the first five min as opposed to 10-15min late we thought we would arrive. I was one lady away from the counter. The person at the counter moves away and the lady in front of me walks towards the counter, when the ticket issuer gets up to go inside. The lady shakes her head and walks back to the line. I smile and tell her, “always happens to you doesn’t it???”.

Invisible randomness

18 June, 2007

Pages of myself
flutter in scenes of fantasy
open as a full bloom
on a smirking winter sun

Clouded in judgment
dreamy soap operas
play on loop n high bass
strings unhooked strings

Unwritten scribbles of whisper
guarantee of none
pellets of letters
stumble out in the daylight
questions I dare to ask
answers I am not ready to seek
slapped on with vigor
of thousand men have come
for more have yet to go
pass the same path
invisible with open eyes.


15 June, 2007

I can't believe this. This has never happened to me before. I usually tend to get angry at the people I love the most. And this time I JUST CANNOT feel anger. I get angry and then see that Puppy face and tis gone! I must be nuts. There is or I think there is no underlying brewing unease or anger that will explode one day. It just vanishes into thin air...

And we thought that fighting is a good thing!!! U know whoe this is aimed at!!! :-)

Chennai Dosa

12 June, 2007

I was just talking to one of my friends and He voiced out exactly what I was thinking and writing actually. I miss Masala Dosa!!! I am not a foodie as such, I love food n eating different cuisines. But there are these certain food items that I just cannot not have. I remember I was sitting in Shiv Sagar near my Chirst College just before leaving for London and thinking OH GOSH I know for sure that I WILL miss Dosa in London. And I was not wrong!!!

Homeward bound???

11 June, 2007

I was just beginning to post my resume on Times Job and they had asked for my CV. As I browsed through my CV and saw that the address written is obviously of where I am staying at the moment which is in Harrow, London. So in the process I typed my old home address. As I was typing I felt pangs of Horror. I CANT GO BACK TO INDIA. I just cant go back and work there for a meager salary and enjoy a simple life. I want extravagance. I want to live in a posh place with ofcourse my friends and family nearby, which I wont have if I stay back in London. But the point is that I can always go back to India but its mighty difficult to come to London and start from scratch!! OH MY GOD help me. I really want to stay back but then I really need also a breather to go back home and visit my friends, family; a small outing and then I can come back to work here for some years. Probably I might want to travel to USA and work there one day!!

But I am literally being torn apart!!! I WANT TO STAY BACK HERE but I also want to go back. I think I will never be satisfied with India. I dont want to blame my lack of rising ambition or stature on the country that has borne me for so many years!!! I cant get myself to go back to India and say I am home!!! cuz I AM AT HOME NOW!!! :-)


08 June, 2007

I have just been reading blogs at random and wherever I turned to I found that probably the same existential questions were being repeated. About Crime, Corruption, Rape, Alcohol, Rabies, Sex, Love, Life, Death. Heck! I read my own blog and I find the same topics all over the place.

We all have a set definition of what is right and wrong
Each of us have an opinion
and Dialogue gets us excited. No one can deny that there is a pleasure derived from being opposed and an argument arising from it. Intellectual??? We are as intellectual as we much as we can talk, argue and defend our statements.

I had a disturbing dream! It recurs all the time. I always have a package or something with me and people are chasing me or I am running away from some person or people! I invariably have winding stairs and I never climb up, I run down and the running is like floating down. No grip of gravity but expert at floating down!

The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent a part of you. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you.

If you are flying with ease and enjoying the scene and landscape below, then it suggests that you are on top of a situation. You have risen above something. It may also mean that you have gained a different perspective on things. Flying dreams and the ability to control your flight is representative of your own personal sense of power.

Two completely different meaning of one single dream. I know I am nuts but this is the heights! No not yet reached there I guess. Tis just the beginning! I am out of control and under control at the same time. Interpretation of an interpretation differs.

I cant read long posts even when they are absolutely brilliant. I am not sure whether I will have the patience to write one (unless i cut copy paste, like I did in the above section) I confess I dint bother to read the interpretations completely. I got an understanding of it and wrote it.

My mood swings are so erratic nowadays and come what may I blame everything on the damn weather and the London water. Hair Loss= London Hard water, Flu= weather, Depression= weather, continuous thirst even after drinking gallons of water= London Water.

I fall in love easily. Actually start believing that I am in love very easily. Then I am in that groove that its hard to get out of it! True love??? baaah.. sheep's skin! I have gotten hooked to writing poems. I have no clue whether they are any good but I like the fact that I dont need to stick to grammar or use full stop, commas. The number of lines can be anything and not necessarily rhyme.
I love challenging myself to write something in such few words and yet only few can understand the hidden meaning!

I am forcing myself to write. Intellectually stunted I guess.

Sensual Yonder

05 June, 2007

Trickles of fantasy
Exploding the imagine to sparkle
Sarong of sounds caressing
The shores of yonder.

A trinket lazily on the naked ankle
Arched noiselessly on the moist whip of lust
Single breathe on her breast
Allegory to rise and fall, many a men.

Three metals twist
insatiable on her wrist
Cold yet sober to her skin
Galaxy of mimes
fails every expression
Is this to me, become a twin of two?

Ingenious idea

04 June, 2007

The rules have apparently changed and this is nice!!!

there is only one rule to this tag!!!
* If ure tagged you have to write nice stuff about me in ure blog!!

1. FancyPants is damn good fun to be with. Any crazy stuff you want to do he will be there on your side nodding his head vigourously!!!

2. Awesome dancer!!! :-) Rang de and tempted to touch you!

3. I had the best Road Trip with him!!! I think we started off singing on the bike and then ended up near Yelahanka, thirsty, hungry and absolutely broke!!! Finally ate in Banshankari! All for money and none at all!

4. Good dressing sense and his shoes!!! ha ha ha....

5. One word: Momos! He is the most sensible and sensitive guy I have ever met who knows exactly when I want momos and he will get it to you even before you ask for it!!! The best suprise gift I have ever been this excited and suprised about!!!

6. He can start dancing in the middle of anywhere and I love that he has no inhibitions and restrictions in his head!

7. I taught him Psycho and he passed with flying colours in the third year... (oh we need to say only nice things about the person!!! damn...) well then he listens well !!! =)

8. He has a gun to my head but he has promised that he wont shoot. NICE BOY!!! He hehe...

Now I tag (buhuhhahahhahahaaaa)
Pricky, MT, Crumbs, Prude, Moi, Sravan (this is some sort of revenge for knowing me for less time)


Our Resident Pest Controller
I have never written an obituary or any such thing before. So if I am not going according to the norms forgive me. I am rambling now cuz I am not bothered whether I confine myself to any kind of norm!!!
He was one fat tabby and he was the first cat who opened my eyes to the actual existence of fat tabbies. All my cats were skinny and looked malnourished, which was mostly because of the heat and they shed more. He was not friendly but nevertheless all the students who went to the reception petted him incessantly! I was one of them. He is in his best behavior if you meet him in the morning! Missed the petting all night! and Rudra, the security in the reception doesnt give two hoots about him! :-) Resident pest controller was a wrong statement. He was more like rats are my friend and we don't eat them! The university does not know how he died but I hope his soul rests in peace, with loads of fish or tuna or whichever food he loves :-)

the Distance

02 June, 2007

On paper that is blotched with salty tears
With words plucked out of the air, I write,
Degrees change, future unread for we are no seers
With open arms I walk ahead faith laid bare sight.

The suns penetrating the hidden pool of dreams
Shadows created of its own, mockingly shiver,
Rim of the tip tilting, emotions tenaciously screams
And yet I give, cause tis the nature of a giver.

Lone treading the sands of roads path taken by many
But the first for you and foreign touch all the way
Beating the rule of distance, leaving behind its tyranny
Leaving separation in its grave to suppress and lay.

The want to go back to when the cradle rocked
Tempts us forward to the sway of sepulchre,
Innocence threaded through tide locked
With a hardened heart surge against the wind for sure.


29 May, 2007

Tagged!!! Again just like Pricky who tagged me, I haven't a clue what this is for but then this is like one of those orkut games which you indulge in for fun!!! We will see where this ends...
(humming)*What goes around comes around*

Rules are:

* Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
* People who are tagged need to write posts in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
* At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

1. I have a prick for a roommate and I can vouch for Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

2. I loved Aby baby from Tera Jadoo chal gaya! (in green shervani et al.)

3. I used to love on screen heros before now I fall for real life side kicks.

4. I am finding it hard to write random things about myself.

5. I think a great voice box is a gift from God is better than the art learnt to move your body to the rhythm.

6. I burnt Maggi noodles when I was in Bangalore and now I experiment with complex recipes.

7. I believe in Magic, what goes around comes around, destiny and faith.

8. I talk a lot of bull shit and Saif Ali Khan was the FIRST guy who came in my dreams.

the next 8 to get tagged would be: *evil grin*
Fancy Pants

ok I cant think of anybody else!!! :) The perils of having the same set of friends!!! sigghh... :)
have fun!!!

Love Seasons

28 May, 2007

In the snare of adversity
comes the true color of romance
forging a signature of fidelity
singing an eternal duet to dance

Seasons may storm away
peach and maple lock hands
autumn and summer are here today
fallen are the monuments to the sands

Birth to the foot of the rock
love is an ancient temple
branches and blossoms the building block
pappery passions scribbled to a rumple

Every beginning has an end
and end a beginning
what is not yours, you cannot lend
the simplest answer is in the living

Barren Life

under constant vigilance
approval from higher ground
every flower looks up towards the skies
an answer searched in vain

the downpour of drops
drooling smoothly on the surface
scarred in the darkness that envelopes
stringing very essence of pleasure
harmless yet hurting for either
repetition yet once ultimatum passed

a dream that brought me to reality
reality still in a dream
a sliver of what could have been
splintered into a million not

sense found by the beholder
for I could not explain
rhyme or reason
for being, for questioning
frozen, etched, or erased

Once again I look above
heavens intervene, I beg
white blank space fills me within
flock of sheep bleating
wondering whether tis a sign
tears welling up thy ashened face
barren savage rain take cover.


23 May, 2007

on special request from the prick I introduce my friends in the pic.

From the left: Susha, Rahul(my Fanzi!), Myself, Priya, Tij (sexy eyes), Lakshman, Pavitra and Shashank!!! :) and it is Backwards if u start from the right (yes thats me trying to be funnyy!!! ha ha ha!)

Black n White

22 May, 2007

The gangsta in London!!! Frozen... :)

This isnt Goodbye

I detest good byes. And this past year I have been bidding farewell to the old life I had. I can not proclaim to say that I don’t mind the change cause I haven’t changed much. From school to another, I wanted to and so did the career path change. London came as a surprise and a quick one at that. I did not have time to realise the gravity of the situation, where I will be physically not present in my friend’s lives as they jump in to jobs after college and that’s a whole other ball game. Never once did I care to think how I was going to keep in touch. I did not know about the internet in the halls, degree of accessibility of the library etc. In theory I did. But I wasn’t clear till I came here. I knew that I could keep in touch with my friends and them with me as they worked with the internet and so did I. What I did not foresee was that I was becoming unsociable to the people in my new university.

Now when I think back, I have realised how much effect proximity of living can cause. One floor up and one down, a block away, the parallel street and the closeness grow. Prude left today in the morning, back to India. I am going to miss her like crazy. I wanted to get up and go with her to the airport. I knew I would burst out crying. Or this is what I told myself because I was sleepy. Either ways as my friend said, you crying is our thing. And I know how it feels to use the “our thing” with other people, another person, as special as they are to you, respect for the other refrained me. Or this is what I told myself because I did not seem to feel any loss.

Am I stone hearted? I just do not consider distance as a tool for separation. I just can not accept it. I am probably naïve. I probably have taken everything I left behind for granted. Everything that has left me, for granted. Will they come back to me one day? What guarantee do I have of that? Will I be able to go back to them? Acceptance is not a question, will the step be taken that is.

Dedicated to Prude who became one of my best friends given the limited time. We did find lots of things in common, but I wish we would have the time and space to grow together more.
and Also to Suzie, who became my friend n whom I thought would be the last person I would get to meet this soon considering the fact that she lives in Bahrain and it would mean to spend a lot to make a trip to India at any point of time. and to Vidi, this isnt goodbye, even as I watch you leave, this isnt goodbye...

Precious is the time we have
Precious is the time we are alive
cherish and love are cliched
but never proved wrong!

Pin Prick

15 May, 2007

Concrete and cement
Stones of blocks
a rigid feature
unchanged through the sands of time

Opacity increasing, an art learnt
from the minute a bait hooked
till the baggage full
life incomplete without destruction

Stashed in the darkness of closet
lingering with lingerie
shaming the sanctity of truth
violating I
the vision does not separate
nor fades the touch

Yet, what life?
hidden, hidden forever
imprisoned in a hell hole
grave dug by thy own
for long kept unknown
to humanity's senses
know not to delve this deep
for the prick was a chateau of novelty
but this shall pass like a storm
pieces on the way out
more determined than before.

13 May, 2007

Have you ever felt extremely hopeless about a situation in your life that you cannot move ahead and you definitely do not feel like getting stagnated in that spot???
Well, I am there at the moment. Not a great place at all.
This whole leaving things to time is getting to me. I know that it is the right thing to do but then I am so impatient.
Its like when it rains. I want it to just stop and I want to be able to get out of my house, room when I want to, without bothering that I will get drenched.

In search of freedom,
cannibal webs surround
silky strands of noose,
groping around the voice of music
Far from the depths of earth
grounded at the surface
surpassing all qualms of shame and guilt

Heavens laugh,
hell smirks its beckoning seduction
earthly raindrops felt on the face of innocence
no more alive, no more death
all for act of loosened bond chains
key to the portal disappeared, faint.


29 April, 2007

Emotions inside come gushing out
Front my face faces his world
With no remorse or prejudice
A mere futile attempt at understanding

Truth half masked with black laced cloth
Shrouded in agony of betrayal
Eyes exempt glory or joy
Chosen path thrust on unyielding hands
Shaped me, shaped in me, shaped for me

Seen through the vacant spaces
Vacant eyes search for blood to spill
A time will arrive
A time to die and a time to kill.

Ray of light

26 April, 2007

I had lost touch with her after my tenth board exams. I changed my school and she remained in ours. We were a team. Though we had friends at the end of a tiring, boring day we would walk back together, home. That was the thing those days. Kids who went by bus, school van, cycle and then it was us who walked home.

This was our routine. Come along whoever may- After the van left, bicycles whizzed past we started walking. Passing that bakery whose name has faded from my memory now, laughing at the fact as to how that guy can have a crush on an 8th std kid from our class. Unbelievable. Sheesh!

Further down was AA traders. Stationery, I was always crazy about it. I am not sure about her. But I still remember how neat her table always was. Whatever time you walked into her room it was neat. I cleared up things when I know someone is coming home. Or my room is a mess, like me! She accepted me the way I was. Or I think she did. She never complained so I take it as a no.

Moving along after crossing the road towards Easwari library. She introduced me to Hardy boys and Sherlock Holmes. I realized I am interested in guys solving mindless games rather than using the power of deduction. Elementary don't you think??? At this point I clearly remember 'our tree', the peepul tree which many believed that if you yawned under one the ghosts would enter and create stomach related problems. We always yawned loudly. It wasn't difficult soon after history classes ending at 4PM.

Then came the MRF shop. If we were lucky, we would see a black Sera parked in its garage. We used to stand there and make great announcements like 'When I grow up and earn a lot of money I will buy this car...' =) I still do the same. We all do.

We passed Gaudiya Matt in silence. It was off our path. I don't remember whether she was religious or not. I know she prayed. I know we have had innumerable conversations about life and existence. But I never asked her whether she believed in God. I am sure she did. Just like me. Faith exists in the name of God.

This I consider my most fun part of the daily journey- Bank ATM. It had a small path for the vehicles, like passing through a Mac Donalds or Burger King in the films. Take away types. We used to walk in to that. Randomly press numbers and run for our lives... Ran like there was a fat, ugly policeman with lathi charging at us. Ran like there was no tomorrow.

Her house was opposite a palace bungalow. Never knew who came and went. Felt sad for them from time to time. Other times thought they might be knowing the most influential people in the city and sighed! We had a custom made goodbye message. She was my Lion and I was the Lioness. Back Back. Never said bye.

She was the rebel. I was double thinking. She was brilliant. I was in the shadow. She still is. I am in a different shadow. She was frank and straightforward. I was mellow and tried hard not to trample on others feelings. We were so different. Had so many disagreements. Fights after fights. But I felt incomplete without her. I felt jealous at times when she was with her gang. I had mine. Don't know whether she felt that we could have spent more time together. I am sure she did. Reaching home we would call each other to say that we reached and the day's recap would begin. This time with detailed analysis. R O S H N I .... Her mother used to yell and ANU!!! My mom snapped. Reluctantly the phone was disconnected.

I miss her. I did meet her when I was in the other school, when I joined engineering, left it and when I came to Chennai from Christ. I am sure we spoke based on the memories of old. Wonder whether we would have any connection now. I do not know where she is. I went to her house. The watchman said they had moved and not given a forwarding address.

These flashes of her appear when I am alone. She was my first Best friend whom I was nothing like. Same difference. What same? What difference? Walking never was in my interest list. Now I walk in to this lush green park and think of her.
What if I bumped into her on the tube?
What if she called me up in Bangalore?
A mail from her in my inbox?
A scrap in my orkut?

I nod my head in disapproval at my pathetic try at making it sound like a miracle out of a film scene. In the near distance I see a person approaching me. My heart beats faster. Miracles do happen, right? Dreams do come true, right? Yeah Right!!! The figure begins to take shape. I see her.

When she gets closer, she says, “I am in need of a friend, would you be mine?”

“Yes”, I tell her. “But please answer this question. Do you believe in God?”

Leader and the Clown

25 April, 2007

Conversation amicable
saying and staying true to your heart
a choice that comes with trust.

And then the roles are defined
they are settled
but not for long you see
dynamism is way of life path

Responsible was never felt a burden
until the roles frayed from the thought
People changed and so did the terms
conditions abundant laid over

Do I hope and wish for it
Destiny cannot be this lopsided
the Leader is left only with gratitude
the Clown takes all of them

Crowning the leader and
Despising the clown makes no eternal difference
expect for the two very own


24 April, 2007

A minute glimpse into Scotland.

Walk away!

19 April, 2007

Walk away!

Her determined steps meant nothing to her intellect at the moment. She was walking not into the sunset and definitely there had'nt been any sunrise in her opinion, for long. For longingness was taking her to place she did not want to go, want to be, want to see. Yet she surged forward. Her calculated steps swayed her from side to side, an inflammation sprouting from her unsure, indecisive mind.

She was not dying though every waking minute her life flashed in front of her. She had not accomplished anything.A meager peasant girl in a land not worth conquering. No one came, no one saw, no one left. No one was ever hers and she never was someone elses.

She walked further, her feet sinking into the abyssmal wet earth. If she concentrated enough she thought she could hear the grass grow. Slowly. Painfully slow. Just as her inches neared her track. The speeding train on its tracks slapped her hair across her tough face. Hated it, she hated anything in her face. Hair. Grime. People.

Not another step. She was not going to take another step leading her to doom. Apocalypse is not hers. Not yet. She will go on. For however long it takes. For now! Now is forever!

Here and there

16 April, 2007

I have lost my muse and inspiration to write.

Sadhana where are u?

Mom just left London. Did not realize her towering presence till she left.

The words that you don't say are the words that will change your life. Penetrating through my sleepy eyes and mind.

Still in search for the perfume that smells like me. Wonder is that someone else might feel the same for the same scent.

I refuse to analyse any situation now trying to deny it to blow out of proportion in my head. Plan Backfired. I am not thinking of anything. Not good.

Lost the groove.

The Shadow of wind. What a title for a book. Awesome. Gripping me. Going back to the book now. review in due time.

Introspection is harder than anything.
Raise your Shoulders and Fall back on your Knees, Piss through a Dime For the Whole World Sees