29 April, 2007

Emotions inside come gushing out
Front my face faces his world
With no remorse or prejudice
A mere futile attempt at understanding

Truth half masked with black laced cloth
Shrouded in agony of betrayal
Eyes exempt glory or joy
Chosen path thrust on unyielding hands
Shaped me, shaped in me, shaped for me

Seen through the vacant spaces
Vacant eyes search for blood to spill
A time will arrive
A time to die and a time to kill.

Ray of light

26 April, 2007

I had lost touch with her after my tenth board exams. I changed my school and she remained in ours. We were a team. Though we had friends at the end of a tiring, boring day we would walk back together, home. That was the thing those days. Kids who went by bus, school van, cycle and then it was us who walked home.

This was our routine. Come along whoever may- After the van left, bicycles whizzed past we started walking. Passing that bakery whose name has faded from my memory now, laughing at the fact as to how that guy can have a crush on an 8th std kid from our class. Unbelievable. Sheesh!

Further down was AA traders. Stationery, I was always crazy about it. I am not sure about her. But I still remember how neat her table always was. Whatever time you walked into her room it was neat. I cleared up things when I know someone is coming home. Or my room is a mess, like me! She accepted me the way I was. Or I think she did. She never complained so I take it as a no.

Moving along after crossing the road towards Easwari library. She introduced me to Hardy boys and Sherlock Holmes. I realized I am interested in guys solving mindless games rather than using the power of deduction. Elementary don't you think??? At this point I clearly remember 'our tree', the peepul tree which many believed that if you yawned under one the ghosts would enter and create stomach related problems. We always yawned loudly. It wasn't difficult soon after history classes ending at 4PM.

Then came the MRF shop. If we were lucky, we would see a black Sera parked in its garage. We used to stand there and make great announcements like 'When I grow up and earn a lot of money I will buy this car...' =) I still do the same. We all do.

We passed Gaudiya Matt in silence. It was off our path. I don't remember whether she was religious or not. I know she prayed. I know we have had innumerable conversations about life and existence. But I never asked her whether she believed in God. I am sure she did. Just like me. Faith exists in the name of God.

This I consider my most fun part of the daily journey- Bank ATM. It had a small path for the vehicles, like passing through a Mac Donalds or Burger King in the films. Take away types. We used to walk in to that. Randomly press numbers and run for our lives... Ran like there was a fat, ugly policeman with lathi charging at us. Ran like there was no tomorrow.

Her house was opposite a palace bungalow. Never knew who came and went. Felt sad for them from time to time. Other times thought they might be knowing the most influential people in the city and sighed! We had a custom made goodbye message. She was my Lion and I was the Lioness. Back Back. Never said bye.

She was the rebel. I was double thinking. She was brilliant. I was in the shadow. She still is. I am in a different shadow. She was frank and straightforward. I was mellow and tried hard not to trample on others feelings. We were so different. Had so many disagreements. Fights after fights. But I felt incomplete without her. I felt jealous at times when she was with her gang. I had mine. Don't know whether she felt that we could have spent more time together. I am sure she did. Reaching home we would call each other to say that we reached and the day's recap would begin. This time with detailed analysis. R O S H N I .... Her mother used to yell and ANU!!! My mom snapped. Reluctantly the phone was disconnected.

I miss her. I did meet her when I was in the other school, when I joined engineering, left it and when I came to Chennai from Christ. I am sure we spoke based on the memories of old. Wonder whether we would have any connection now. I do not know where she is. I went to her house. The watchman said they had moved and not given a forwarding address.

These flashes of her appear when I am alone. She was my first Best friend whom I was nothing like. Same difference. What same? What difference? Walking never was in my interest list. Now I walk in to this lush green park and think of her.
What if I bumped into her on the tube?
What if she called me up in Bangalore?
A mail from her in my inbox?
A scrap in my orkut?

I nod my head in disapproval at my pathetic try at making it sound like a miracle out of a film scene. In the near distance I see a person approaching me. My heart beats faster. Miracles do happen, right? Dreams do come true, right? Yeah Right!!! The figure begins to take shape. I see her.

When she gets closer, she says, “I am in need of a friend, would you be mine?”

“Yes”, I tell her. “But please answer this question. Do you believe in God?”

Leader and the Clown

25 April, 2007

Conversation amicable
saying and staying true to your heart
a choice that comes with trust.

And then the roles are defined
they are settled
but not for long you see
dynamism is way of life path

Responsible was never felt a burden
until the roles frayed from the thought
People changed and so did the terms
conditions abundant laid over

Do I hope and wish for it
Destiny cannot be this lopsided
the Leader is left only with gratitude
the Clown takes all of them

Crowning the leader and
Despising the clown makes no eternal difference
expect for the two very own


24 April, 2007

A minute glimpse into Scotland.

Walk away!

19 April, 2007

Walk away!

Her determined steps meant nothing to her intellect at the moment. She was walking not into the sunset and definitely there had'nt been any sunrise in her opinion, for long. For longingness was taking her to place she did not want to go, want to be, want to see. Yet she surged forward. Her calculated steps swayed her from side to side, an inflammation sprouting from her unsure, indecisive mind.

She was not dying though every waking minute her life flashed in front of her. She had not accomplished anything.A meager peasant girl in a land not worth conquering. No one came, no one saw, no one left. No one was ever hers and she never was someone elses.

She walked further, her feet sinking into the abyssmal wet earth. If she concentrated enough she thought she could hear the grass grow. Slowly. Painfully slow. Just as her inches neared her track. The speeding train on its tracks slapped her hair across her tough face. Hated it, she hated anything in her face. Hair. Grime. People.

Not another step. She was not going to take another step leading her to doom. Apocalypse is not hers. Not yet. She will go on. For however long it takes. For now! Now is forever!

Here and there

16 April, 2007

I have lost my muse and inspiration to write.

Sadhana where are u?

Mom just left London. Did not realize her towering presence till she left.

The words that you don't say are the words that will change your life. Penetrating through my sleepy eyes and mind.

Still in search for the perfume that smells like me. Wonder is that someone else might feel the same for the same scent.

I refuse to analyse any situation now trying to deny it to blow out of proportion in my head. Plan Backfired. I am not thinking of anything. Not good.

Lost the groove.

The Shadow of wind. What a title for a book. Awesome. Gripping me. Going back to the book now. review in due time.

Introspection is harder than anything.

Personally I dont care!

03 April, 2007

Why do I get angry? Only I know the truth. Sometimes I wonder whether telling the person how and what I really fell would even make the slightest difference to them. Friends and stuff it is there, thats the clause. But how long will they care?
you are the only person who will be there with you through out.
saddening thought, true and scary!

Expect none

02 April, 2007

Can someone tell me how can I stop expecting things from people???
I have heard many saying that the root of all evil is expectations and that I have stopped expecting things from people. Please will those "people" tell me how to stop expecting?
I feel really pathetic to tell someone that remember the day you were feeling really down and I pampered you like a child without allowing you to pick up one piece of jackass? Can you please just get me some food in my plate cause I am sick with fever and I cant move my finger let alone get up from the bed?
That is outright trivializing the fact that I genuinely wanted to help my friend when she/he was in need of me. Its basically saying that Well, I helped you now you help me. Its no barter system. Its not a negotiation, not a relationship which you set the terms. You are friends and when the other is in need, you do what ever to help, no questions asked. I feel so cheap expecting my friends to help me when I need help!
So much for Self-sufficient, strong independent woman. Feminism to the fucking savage beasts!
Raise your Shoulders and Fall back on your Knees, Piss through a Dime For the Whole World Sees