30 December, 2006

I have suddenly become obsessed with poetry. I cant believe that I could ever hold on to any of my whims for so long.

Its been little more than a year when i first wrote a poem and I liked what I could do with words that by themselves were just words but gave a deep insight into the poet's state of mind when strung together.

Whenever I sit in front of the computer my hands on their own go to google and type the words poetry. Poems. Someone's favorite, my favorite, similar frequency.

one day mine? I have never dreamed of publishing any of my poems. I think there are greater poems that have been written by so many other people. And the most convincing reason would be that I am content to write it only for myself and a couple of my friends.

Came across this poem by a Kashmiri poet -Bilhana Kavi called BLACK MARIGOLDS (The legend goes that he fell in love with the daughter of King Madanabhirama, Princess Yaminipurnatilaka, and had a secretive love affair. they were found out and he wrote this 50 stanza poem while waiting in the prison. Waiting for his sentence- life or death)

Where beautiful things can be created is a miracle
in the gallows or under the deep blue sky!!!


28 December, 2006

I want to write and I want to write so much and then the thoughts are so private as well...
Sometimes you can not explain what you think or your opinion to people cuz they might not understand and from that become or turn hostile. At that point you lose faith in yourself for not being able to say what you have to say and think how can the other person not be able to understand that point when everything, every other emotion is understood or proclaimed to be understood.
I am not too sure whether I can back up all that I ve said in the above paragraph and again I want to write. It means that I would just write stuff for the heeck of it as well. Seems like it doesnt it? I think in the whole of my life that is the only question that I have an answer for!

I read my blog posts a couple of them and I am an Emotional WRECK!
I haTE it
and I beat Lakshman in TT... I actually BEAT lakshman!
He is a WRECK Too...
Kshitij is happy and GAY! wrecked a couple of gals lives.
Wrecked ship! saw titanic in my dream . . .



24 December, 2006

a lone tear,
slicing through
chunk of pain

a droplet
on my left
hot wave of the trickle
jabbing clean me

palms facing into my face
arms on my breasts
heave, heave

a distant tune
rythm forgotten

a strenuous swallow
neck bent at an angle
words raped
repeated over
and ever too few. . .


23 December, 2006

"Yisgadal, veyiskadash, shmey raba. . ." May His name be celebrated and sanctified.
In the history of Jewish men had ever before recited the Kaddish for themselves.

To forget the dead would be akin to killing them a second time.

"With only one desire to eat I no longer thought of my father or my mother. From time to time I would dream. But only of soup, an extra ration of soup."

That was when i began to hate them, and then my hatres remains our only link today.

"Our first act as free men was to throw ourselves onto the provisions. No thought of revenge. Only of bread."

We saw flames rising from a tall chimney into a black sjy. A strange stench floated in the air.

"Very close to us stood the tall chimney of the crematorium's furnace. It no longer impressed us. It barely drew our attention."

I am walking down the path where people have fallen dead
the sunshine barely surviving, hanging by a thread
homes deserted, earth desolate
blood and soup are raw, left to percolate
the sticks and cries of agony long a fade
Burning masses of family picked up by a spade

Never shall I forget those flames that consumed my faith forever

Never shall I forget the nocturnal silence that deprived me for all eternity of the desire to live

Never. . .

Transported by foot from hell to hell
our mind, a place that our foot did not dwell
No father, no son bond ever could last
no future looked so bleak though a memorable past.
mere objects, tools
dancing, marching to the order
of men and men and men who ruled them.

Auschwitz I can do no more justice to you.
MT this post is dedicated to you. We never went dead silent except for this one. I wrote mine at last. . .

Hard to digest!

22 December, 2006

The funniest thing happened today.
I saw a book.
"Selected Love Poems by Hardy"

dedicated to all the students that had to read tess of d'urbevilles (even reading the summary counts) to pass in their exams!!!

(his poems are pretty good but comparing it with the book we had to go thru... boy! nasty)

Clear thoughts on a foggy day

20 December, 2006

amazing the clarity
that comes on a foggy day
morning, noon and night in disparity
thoughts that go fray.

vast space of white
engulfing anything
exsisting only, a mere far light
rudely in shambles, a mighty sting.

Can't fight the moonlight!

Gut talk

19 December, 2006

Have you ever felt that something is quite not right. there is nothing apparently wrong with you(other than the normal irregularities, subtle expression) but you know there is an impending doom, looming over your head.

The players are shaping up but ... i cant place my finger on what the next move is...
the games have begun... The dice is rolling. Now just have to wait for the message to be brought unto the world!!!

its not gonna be pretty. it never is. you can never be prepared.

non- optimistic thought. One of those things in life ...!!!

18 December, 2006

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is: if I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window, if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash or the wrinkled body of the log, everything carries me to you, as if everything that exists, aromas, light, metals, were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide to leave me
at the shore of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off to seek another land.
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished
or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

-Pablo Neruda
If you studied literature with me in jpeng2006 then you would remember his poem tonight i could write the saddest lines.
Whenever i start to write a poem or a few words that would express the feeling i am feeling I stop myself and wonder whether i need to lament my misery to the whole wide world? And reading his poems the openness he exudes never ceases to amaze me!!!
i am annoyed and estatic that someone can actually write what he actually feels. ACTUALLY FEELS! yes ure are going to maybe hurt the other person, but it is his opinion and they are not long in the priority of consideration but to accept it to yourself is freedom. its pure freedom!
kudos to u!

Humble me! Both of us???

The plan was conjured into reality:


The first holiday in months. Gruelling three months of hard work.

Canterbury cathedral. Constructed by the Romans. This time really ancient. (1070 AD)

Starbucks coffee shop adjacent to the cathedral which is in one of the buildings of the monument itself.

A whole day of being with friends, something which was heavily lacking was a social life.

Spend time with nice tamilian guy. Interesting as well. Stumps me sometimes.

One Hitch:

The bus leaves at 5 in the morning.
Baah!!! Time never stopped me from going on vacation. I am not too happy with the early rise and shine but the journey steals the show in the end.

Baaaaaaahhhh!! We are talking about Shashank and me people. No one calls us late. EVER!!! Cause we are always never late. Beware of arriving late with me, I unleash my wrath and Shashank doesn’t say anything till he pulls it up at an instant when you don’t want to hear that you came late (Who came late that day…)

Imagine the fights that would every time happen whenever we made plans to meet up.?! We need Beej to settle it most of the times (he never knew what international peace settlement talks he was involved in!!)

ALARMing situation:

Take a W i l D guess … yes the two time sticklers missed the stipulated the time. We would have also reached there if it was not for the stupid bus stop that remained hidden from sight. Then the mix up happened. Both of us went in completely different directions to end up in the same bus stop missing the bus.

Next one in half hour.

Me not happy.
Shashank singing his blues away.
Me not happy with his singing.

Wait in silence. Very very humbling experience.

pRicky: ho dum dad um la :P jazz blaaa maaaa… theee teee heeeee bluum bllloo
tsu: are my nasty thoughts about strangling him, loud?
pRicky: blaaa maa laaa duckh cuckh…!!!
tsu: I want to feel the warm bed beneath me.
pRicky: are you going to be pissed off the whole day now?
tsu: yes.
pRicky: thought so.

Time ticks, painfully slow. Morning is dawning painfully fast.

tsu: I hate to be a pessimist but I don’t think that we will be able to make it to the station.
pRicky: laughs out loud! For crying out loud, this was the most hilarious situation we have ever been. Just the two of us usually nearly kill someone but this time it was a totally different ball game.

Walking back to the dorm:

Two foxes playing with each other on our campus
pRicky I don’t like you this happy! 10 fucking pounds man!!!
Good na otherwise we would have spent more after we went there.
Stupid boy! Lets see which way did you come from man??? I took the fastest route. So when you came this way I was there.
I saw a light and followed it to the bus stop. (In the spirit of Christmas uh huh?)
I saw a black spec and thought thank god she reached.
No one in the world has EVER called me a spec. This needs to be recorded.
What would you call prince Charles when he is cold? The Royal Blue… he he he… sadness.

Lets go and sleep, get up and have a great British breakfast of bread and eggs.
Sounds good to me.
And hence the journey of our walk back to the dorm ended. We are planning to upload the pictures very soon. Maybe postcards. Christmas and new years here we come. Are we there yet??? PucK!!!

never a mull moment!!!

Mulled (pronounced as mule d) wine, the German Christmas special was the highlight of the day. It is a hot drink made with herbs, spices and sugar. It is a traditional drink that first was brewed for people who went out shopping for Christmas in the freezing month of December. Cinnamon leaves its taste lingering in the mouth which gives utmost pleasure to the drinker.

We went to Shann and Clara’s home. Cosy and snuggle. The custom of advent brings such a warm feeling to all. The calendar which has the dates from the first of December to 24th and (usually children) each day the door to the day’s date is opened. You could find small gifts, chocolates or verses from the Bible or pictures that signify Christmas and family.

Clara decided to give Shann a small gift every day until Christmas. And in his unforgettable words, “I shamelessly get up early in the morning to see what she has bought me.” The children in all of us surfaces during festivity and this is the only reason I do not want to think of the pollution crackers are causing or how much disruption it is causing to the calm of the neighbourhood. People who complain have lost the kid in them. (This is barring all the people who have physical illness that are heightened)

Well, then I moved on to white wine and this is the first time I liked its taste. It was not the usual bitter self but nice. To top it all off was the chocolate trifle and oh boy!!! There is nothing more tempting than a layer of chocolate sauce at the bottom, a top of soft cake, chocolate cream and a healthy swirl of whipped cream. Whipped cream couldn’t be more yum, why would anyone want to whip it? Whootish! Has someone got a swing in their bedroom??? Wink!

In a few words loved the evening completely.

series of unstoppable thoughts

17 December, 2006

I want one night of peaceful after a stressful presentation week. Susha and Priyanka left. Odd timings.
Fire drill. Monsterous

Had a dream that I cannot remember. I do remember but I can’t imagine myself in that position. No fairy tales for me. Nothing with what was involved in it as well. I think Me Thinks was there with me. I can expect only her to be there with me… compromising positions. Nothing dirty except crawling in mud.

I don’t want to have a long term relationship with a computer, mine or anyone else’s. I want people and people can also include only me(and hence these thoughts)
Heading right where I don’t want to…

Have to write letters to my friends back home. Spent money on myself and only letters for friends
Cheap skates

Can I finish one whole bottle of vodka? One night at the 88 O kitchen.

Photo with tom the resident pest controller, cutie pie. Will die if he was with me. Scared

Here with me.

Word ‘with’ is being used again and again. Unnecessary.

Desi friend posted similar idea (feels like i am copying stuff, birds of the same feather??? cant be)

Missed the bus to Canterbury. Blame on the alarm that dint go off!!! i missed the cathedral but saw two foxes in our campus.

Understand why Logan raves abt the morning! Loved it as well. Possiblity of my not liking getting up is the reason for disdain of mornings.

Helpless. Intense, immense...

Friends in shit, psychiatrist office, work and I cant support ANY of them. Cruel.

Empty. emptiness engulfing mind and soul. Body will wither. Soon. 80 yrs old to the grave.

Another head hangs lowly, in your head. In mine.

miss me please

16 December, 2006

I am not too sure whether it was that one glass of white wine from France, i had to try or the fact that i dint sleep too well for the past two days but i feel like CRAP!!!
But i know what... if there is one person i JUST cant get myself to say bye to is Susha!!! I am standing in the hall way and wondering whether i should have asked mom whether i could go to bahrain with her this christmas. If i had asked her i know it would have broken her heart.
I couldnt come to ask her that.
Miss ya susha!!! Come back fast...

My favorites

13 December, 2006

After staring at the computer screen for more than five minutes I came to the conclusion that I want to for once take a stand on things that I absolutely love. This is a hard thing for anyone to do as no one has one particular favorite, in everything. I am going to try and try hard I am going to, to pick one thing! If I was stranded on an island, naa lets make this my dream. If I was stranded in the deserts of Africa with obviously a tv!!!
which would I love having with me to survive the ordeal???
Book: harry potter
Movie: my best friends wedding
Tv Channel: star world(stunned that i took so long in answering that and natgeo came to mind first!!!)
Tv program: FRIENDS(no doubts abt that)
Music Band: Westlife
Solo: Bryan Adams(anyday of the week and twice on sundays;-)

Hopefully Yours

11 December, 2006

this word is a tricky thing...!!! "hope can never die" is highly over rated.
we live in a community. so all of us are inter connected.

i hoped that i want to go to london and my mom and friends hoped that i wont (no sinister reasons- cuz they will miss me)
a person in love with another hopes that the love will respond and the love is hoping someone else she/he likes will reciprocate!!!
a gal hopes her boyfriend will understand her and the he hopes that his girlfriend will understand that he cant think that much emotionally

so who wins?
who gets their hope fulfilled?
why is god partial?
how is it determined?
whose hope gets the top priority?
what does anyone do when two hopes are intertwined and ure hope gets smothered?

any answers? as my friend said god has his work cut out for him!!! this is his hope probably one day he will have uncomplicated hope requests!!!
till then

shopping COMPLEX

Its a fever... A state of being in a festive season! The feeling resonates among the old, new, wide and never just few...
"UPTO 70% OFF"
"BLAH BLAH BLOO BLOO" have u SEEN the prices in London????

I have become "one of them" Christmas has suddenly become my time to shop till (not drop) but run outta cash or start feeling VERY GUILTY!!!;-)

Conveniently i start converting the ££££££ KA CHING!!! when i cant decide whether to buy them or not!!! And and meanie me oh so generously bought a christmas gift for a friend and then very casually KNOCKED it off!!! BoOtS!!! (this is a private joke. like private parties! pissin off arent they???) SMile...

But this place gives me the complex, seriously.. i have not yet grasped the art of figuring which is worth the money and somethings which i think are, are too costly!!! so i am back to square one... I NEED money! and Loads of it too!!!
NOW DONT we ALL??? steam steaming streamlining my purchase complex!!! grrr...
Happy hols!!!

this is a bloody oxy f$&king moronish!

04 December, 2006

You Should Be A Cancer
What's good about you: you're incredibly kind, caring, and generous
What's bad about you: you can be too moody and impossible to understand
In love: you enjoy wining and dining the object of your affection
In friendship, you're: likely to depend on other friends for emotional support
Your ideal job: historian, marine biologist, or religious figure
Your sense of fashion: you dress to match your mood
You like to pig out on: classic home cooked meals, like mac and cheese

Google bitch!

I just realised that i have already been classified by some moron on the net! I think i am a part GOOGLE BITCH (Researcher of the lowest order; a person who uses google to accomplish most of their daily work, often a task performed for someone too busy, important or ignorant to run a google search themselves.)

I was "google drifting" and found this website... urbandictionary.com
It can get very perverted and graphic be sure your ready to read some funny, gross and informative information(if u find some of those pass it on...)

There is a hole in the bucket. . .

There's a hole in my bucket,
dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's a hole in my bucket,
dear Liza, a hole.

Well fix it, dear Henry,
dear Henry, dear Henry,
Well fix it, dear Henry, well fix it.

With what shall fix it, . . .
With straw, . . .
The straw is too long, . . .
Well cut it, . . .
With what shall I cut it, . . .
With an axe, . . .
The axe is too dull, . . .
Then sharpen it, . . .
With what shall I sharpen it, . . .
With a stone, . . . .
The stone is too dry, . . .
Then wet it, . . .
With what shall I wet it, . . .
With water, . . . .
In what shall I fetch it, . . .
With a bucket, . . .
There's a hole in my bucket, . . .
This was one of my first memories of my mother singing to me when i really really dint wanna get outta my bed. The song was always so fascinating that it would come back to where it all started. A full circle!!!

spy me

01 December, 2006

Lance Price talk on the 30th of November at 5PM .. you should go and listen to him. he might touch upon the tpoics we discussed in class..
I received this mail from Pam, our course leader and for the first time I noted it down in my calender and it was worth the effort.
My first perception of him was that he is a no nonsense guy, just another bloke who was one of those journalists who jumped into PR. Well if not for money then for its charm! But the more deeper i started listenin to what he said the more and more captivated i was about the personality of a PR person! The words he used were simple and yet deep! And the question on his ethical standards, he merely dismissed it by saying that it was his job!
This concept of distinguishing between personal ethical standards and job description is like his somewhat blurred. this may not work with other people who think its morally incorrect to lie and they will uphold the truth, but thats where ppl like me come in. I guess i would sleep well at night...
isnt it like a spy???
Raise your Shoulders and Fall back on your Knees, Piss through a Dime For the Whole World Sees