You who never arrived

I am depressed. I read the below poem. It spoke to me, the person inside of me. The person who has all these feelings stuffed inside and a blatantly unrealizable wish that these words below were mine! I wish I could write like him. The poet - Rainer Maria Rilke



You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of
the next moment. All the immense
images in me -- the far-off, deeply-felt
landscape, cities, towers, and bridges, and
unsuspected turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods--
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house-- , and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,--
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and,
startled, gave back my too-sudden image.
Who knows? Perhaps the same
bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening...

Blue Frog

I picked the Perfect day to move my lazy arse and travel in the rain till Lower Parel from New Bombay!

What an amazing, soul-filled, mind blowing show. I felt like I was in heaven. The minute Raul Midón walked on the stage for a second I think I underestimated the voice that was going to float out of his mouth. Grossly underestimated! The guitar, the strumming, the lyrics, the trumpet improv, the voice, the voice, the voice and the guy! He was a great entertainer.

After a point I did not remember the yummy French fries I had eaten two minutes ago or the silky smooth mojito in front of me, the whistling girl or the pony tail whiskey drinker. My eyes and ears were glued to him. It is a pity he couldn’t see the brilliant smiles that were flashing across the room but like he said in his lyrics – he could hear the smile on our face!

My favorites of the night, which I am still replaying in the morning on You Tube are:
- Sunshine
- Don't take it that way
- Everyone deserves a second chance
- State of Mind

Chakare, Chellam!

Still.

The feet mildly tap the ground.

Carpeted floors and off-loaded shoes maintain the silence.

I am trying to focus on the words that my fingers are being instructed to write. But the high-pitched voice of the female tamil singer and somber, sultry voice of the male singer distract me. The headphones are vibrant with the rhythm and I am annoyed by the continuous distraction this is posing.

This is why perhaps, somewhere during the last decade, I stopped listening to tamil music. I can get through many English songs without missing a beat, while working, but tamil songs have something else and I know what it is.

For some reason, these tamil songs to me seem like they have more depth. In the love songs, in the sad numbers, in the dapankuthu. Some of the Hindi and English songs do have them but I can’t recall many with this kind of intensity.

May be it is also that when I see the Western civilization as a whole, largely their concept of love is very fluid. They get over emotions quickly, they change partners often. If it doesn’t work with one girl/guy there is always another. But I know down in South India, amidst that conservative society, to fall in love is quite a feat! In the movies, the hero has a tragic flaw and it is not always about status and money as it is mostly in the Hindi movies.

May be I am biased. The lyrics, to me, seem much more powerful in tamil than in English or Hindi. Each emotion has a parallel word and sweet nothings sound much sweeter in tamil.

Revisits

I walked in to the same place I have been before. The unforgotten aroma of coffee beans, the slice of chocolate pastry, the same semi-burnt sandwich reminds me of the days of burgeoning friendship. Will she remember me? Will the conversion from cheap talc to expensive perfume deceive her real memories of me? Will the pointed noise from my stilettos drown out the earthly banter of my old sneakers? Will the spa-treated hands slip away from ours, tampered by the harsh sun?


I will walk skeptically

But I will not let go.

I need an answer

And I need it now.

I will show you forever

And I will show you how

Precious few

I lost his five. The few things that I had of him are vanishing slowly. Death does not come quicker but separation came at sonic speeds... 

I love you in the midnight

I love you in the sky

I love you everywhere

I love you till I die... 

The five is among the Commons now. The precious few lost in the peripheral ... 

I don't

I feel cornered by my emotions. They are there, unwilling to budge, but I have applied grease for it to slide. This is not an easy task. I am trying to say these things out loud so that they go away. I am trying to accept things that I cannot change and to have the grace to accept events as they come.

My friend compared our sadness to people in Sudan who have a dearth of common amenities that we so easily take for granted, to a mother who suffers from cancer yet smiles knowing very well that each living day could as well be her last. But it does not help you separate your pain from your physical body or mental cognition. Stay positive, they say. Yes, I will but in an aspect that you wouldn't want me to. No, you wouldn't want that.

I have the wrappers
I have the 5 rupees
I have the blackness
I have the red tees
I have the handle
I have the shell
I have the song
I have the key
I have the sand
I have the watch
I have the train

But then I don't...

Fate's game in another

Here is the scenario. 

- An IPL tournament, 8 teams with different captains, leading a set of the World's greatest batsmen, each in their own right having the power to turn a match around. 

- The top three teams are in place for the semi-finals and vying for the last and fourth slot are two teams. One of the two teams temporarily holds the spot as they have finished with all the rounds in the preliminary games. 

- Now, the second team which could displace team A, if wins their last prelim game will get into the semis but if the other team, team B is playing wins, team A will remain in the top four as team B will not have sufficient points. 

- Team A's fate lies in the hands of Team B and its opponent Team C. 

If you, in life, are making all your decisions, all the rules that you will follow to the T, how does a self made person be able to accept that your fate lies in another person's hand, his decision, his mind frame, his competence? 

I realized that many times in life fear stops a person from doing a certain deed which he thinks is important but how do you manage a situation like this?

I have always tried to make my own decisions, however much I consult others, the end decision has been mine. But there have been circumstances, many as of late, is not in my hands. I am a control freak and this is freaking me out... 

I cannot bully people into doing somethings, I cannot sweet talk them either. There must be some way. And mind you prayer or bribery is not an option!

Cheers!

2010

Ok, this is weird. I havent written one post in ages... I havent been excited about writing in a long time. Other than the fact that I write when I am at work, I havent made the time to write! And I know that it aint doing good for my progress. I first of all dunno where I need to make progress... where am I progressing to? I am not a teenager any more and I need to know, a ball park figure once again, where I see myself ten years from now...

I know this is the field I want to be in. Its more a need, to do better, to get that news first, that urge to write better. I know that I need to be in Health. Tricky! Lovely... I mean, no where else but here!!! But where from noew???

Man I cannot think more convoluted stuff!!! :) I am enjoying 2010. I am getting back to being the crazy girl I was. Before the change, which I thought was for the good!! nope.... I am ray of sunshine who wants to bunjee jump although I am petrified of heights and might never live to tell the tale. I want to swim with the sharks. Like FOR REAL! :) I am ready 2010... 2009 was just a hog wash!!!

Beat u to the Mayan calendar! :)