Pangs

04 January, 2007

I was on my own now. I did not miss home and I accepted the fact that I might one day. I still do not feel the need or want to get back to the life I once had. I never could actually say honestly that I missed anyone from India. Not my mother. Ofcourse you miss people in general cause they were fitted in the jig saw routine in your life. Probably I will miss walking in to the room and find shashank on his computer.

You miss people because you are completely on your own in an unknown land. I must say I think I adapted quite fast. I used to hate(not like walkin. I was used to having my bike running around for me) walking and now I don't mind. And its not about the non-existance of another mode of transport or money saving or anyother reason but that I like it now... I also cant personally accept the fact that I can be so stiff??? that word doesnt even begin to describe the way I feel. I mean I have lived with my mother my entire life and I cant merely shrug it off by saying that she was one of the pieces in a game that I needed at that point in my life. None of them for that matter.

I had a dream last night. My mother told me that I had become very fat and a lot of static in between. In the end I did wake up from my sleep to find that I was on my side of the bed in Bangalore, facing the horse rack (as my mother calls it) which is always filled with clothes used, not used washed and dirty(cause of me, obviously!) and I was elated. I could feel the happiness. I have felt like that just one time in my life before and I know the difference. I was so happy that I opened my eyes and found myself staring at a white wall so close to my face that it wasnt any place for the horse rack.

I turned around and saw the heap on Shashank's bed soon stopped by another white wall.
I am searching for faces. Sheets. . .

6 Scribbles:

Anonymous said...

fine fine i got the msg... bloody one jacket is a heap for u???

Anonymous said...

All of us have to move on Man. Like Sir one told me, we cant move anywhere but forward. The difference between individuals is the extent each one chooses to belong and unbelong. No matter what, we are all individuals and there is a point when we have to let it snap and reconnect at another.Hang in there.

Tsu said...

@anonymous: do i know u?
@prick: yea heap one on the floor and one on the bed!!! ;)

Anonymous said...

yeah I know what you mean, you miss us terribly but now you are too bored odf missing us also which is why you are 'stiff'...
You need to go to the laundary dude!!

Anonymous said...

tsu,
we all think that we are on our own, and thats the way it should be. but sometimes i seriously doubt it- are we really on our own?don't we, in one way or the other , have someone, something to fall back on?
being on ones on is not about not missing anyone, or not needing anyone.it is just that feeling that u can stand on your own two feet, n that if u trip n fall, u dont have to take the hand that is being offered to you.
its not being stiff.it's growing up.
but your past, your childhood, no matter how hard you try, will always, ALWAYS shape the way you are now. it may not be what u expected, but it is not all that bad.
sometimes, not getting wat you want is the best thing to happen to you.
probably in another 10 years time, you will wake up, wanting to see that heap on the bed (though i sincerely do hope that it will be a cold day in hell wen THAT happnes ;))
n prick, clean up man!u used to blame me for being messy!

Anonymous said...

Just the way I feel. Except you atleast get to see other peoples heaps!! ;-)...

Raise your Shoulders and Fall back on your Knees, Piss through a Dime For the Whole World Sees